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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 10, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll need to find new solutions to the same old problems this week, mostly because you're really building up quite a tolerance to alcohol.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Take comfort in the fact that we are all part of a larger plan, although really it's more of an eons-spanning game of universal domination played by uncaring immortals than a "plan."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    For the next week, laws will not apply to you, which is a real pain, as you've become pretty accustomed to Newton's first and third.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This is a terrible week to make decisions about your love life, although to be perfectly honest, the problem's less with the week and more with you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's time to make people take you more seriously. If they don't respond to your demands within a half-hour of reading this, start killing the hostages.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Walk confidently in the direction of your life's dreams, but be warned that it's really quite a long walk to Sea World.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although no one is currently keeping statistics on falcon attacks, your next few weeks will motivate several people to begin considering the necessity.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    People say you're too easygoing, unmotivated, and accepting of your own flaws, but you'll learn to live with that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The great thing about dogs is they still feel the same way about you when your back is turned. In related news, you'll never see the Doberman attack coming.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true there are only two kinds of people in the world, the stars believe it would be unkind to tell you just how much better than you the other one is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that pianos hardly ever suddenly fall out of twelfth story windows onto people, although you'll have a hard time feeling special about it.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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