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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 10, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll need to find new solutions to the same old problems this week, mostly because you're really building up quite a tolerance to alcohol.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Take comfort in the fact that we are all part of a larger plan, although really it's more of an eons-spanning game of universal domination played by uncaring immortals than a "plan."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    For the next week, laws will not apply to you, which is a real pain, as you've become pretty accustomed to Newton's first and third.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This is a terrible week to make decisions about your love life, although to be perfectly honest, the problem's less with the week and more with you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's time to make people take you more seriously. If they don't respond to your demands within a half-hour of reading this, start killing the hostages.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Walk confidently in the direction of your life's dreams, but be warned that it's really quite a long walk to Sea World.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although no one is currently keeping statistics on falcon attacks, your next few weeks will motivate several people to begin considering the necessity.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    People say you're too easygoing, unmotivated, and accepting of your own flaws, but you'll learn to live with that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The great thing about dogs is they still feel the same way about you when your back is turned. In related news, you'll never see the Doberman attack coming.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true there are only two kinds of people in the world, the stars believe it would be unkind to tell you just how much better than you the other one is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that pianos hardly ever suddenly fall out of twelfth story windows onto people, although you'll have a hard time feeling special about it.

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