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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 10, 2012

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 10, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll need to find new solutions to the same old problems this week, mostly because you're really building up quite a tolerance to alcohol.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Take comfort in the fact that we are all part of a larger plan, although really it's more of an eons-spanning game of universal domination played by uncaring immortals than a "plan."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    For the next week, laws will not apply to you, which is a real pain, as you've become pretty accustomed to Newton's first and third.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This is a terrible week to make decisions about your love life, although to be perfectly honest, the problem's less with the week and more with you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's time to make people take you more seriously. If they don't respond to your demands within a half-hour of reading this, start killing the hostages.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Walk confidently in the direction of your life's dreams, but be warned that it's really quite a long walk to Sea World.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although no one is currently keeping statistics on falcon attacks, your next few weeks will motivate several people to begin considering the necessity.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    People say you're too easygoing, unmotivated, and accepting of your own flaws, but you'll learn to live with that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The great thing about dogs is they still feel the same way about you when your back is turned. In related news, you'll never see the Doberman attack coming.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true there are only two kinds of people in the world, the stars believe it would be unkind to tell you just how much better than you the other one is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that pianos hardly ever suddenly fall out of twelfth story windows onto people, although you'll have a hard time feeling special about it.

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