Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 11, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 02

The High Reis: Top Playoff Storylines

All the playoff teams are this weekend so I decided to make a post about the top storylines in each game, which are all interesting. As explained to me, the storylines are the things people talk about. But it is more complicated than that. Anyway here are the storylines.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 11, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    After three exhausting weeks, you'll be embarrassed and infuriated to learn that the Marine Corps motto is not in fact "Semper Fellatio."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    God will sincerely apologize to the rest of the hemisphere this week, explaining the snowstorms were the only way to prevent you from wearing those awful sandals.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll finally start to get calls about that invisible hovercraft you have for sale when the CIA declassifies thousands of previously classified ads.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Traveling the world for five years certainly taught you things you'd never have learned otherwise, but you wish someone had told you the hot dog was on a string tied to a stick on your hat.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Birthday parties have been ruined in some strange ways over the years, but no one will ever top the sick shit you're going to pull next Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You're not the kind of person who likes to ask for help, but for Christ's sake, that's an overturned city bus you're trapped under.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Seriously, almost everyone these days knows that the whale is a mammal and not a fish, and therefore those guys aren't sleeping with you for your brains.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    People born under your sign are tough but fair, gruff but lovable, and faithful to a fault, but the stars refuse to take responsibility for you huffing all that paint thinner.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're certainly the kind of person no one likes to fuck with. Or make out with, hold hands with, or even hug, for that matter.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    To his credit, the coroner will apologize to your family, but he'll be forced to admit that "Rectum? Damn thing killed him!" was appropriate considering the circumstances.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Love will be everywhere this week, leaving you nowhere to hide when it gets violent and ugly the way it always does.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You're getting better at figuring out what your dreams really mean. However, all that stuff that happens when you're awake is still pretty baffling.
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