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Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 14, 2013

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Entertainment

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 14, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind the sofa cushion.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's difficult to know who to trust in life. Then again, the guy with the horns and the hooves should have been a no-brainer.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thanks to a series of unfortunate turns, you'll soon become to only man ever to compete in the Olympics, the Paralympics, and the Special Olympics.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.

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