Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 14, 2013

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Vol 50 Issue 02

President Curbing NSA Spying

In an effort to address citizens’ privacy and civil liberty concerns, President Obama announced today that intelligence agencies would now be required to obtain a court’s permission to access metadata from telephones.

Michelle Obama Turns 50

First Lady Michelle Obama turns 50 years old today and will celebrate with a birthday party at the White House tomorrow night, which has been described on official invitations as an evening of “Snacks & Sips & Dancing & Dessert.” W...

Scientist: Cats View Owners As Large Cats

In his new book Cat Sense, British biologist and animal behavior expert John Bradshaw argues that domestic cats view their owners as large, non-hostile cats, such as a mother cat or an older, larger relative.

The Onion’s Oscar Picks

Following this morning’s announcement of the 86th Academy Awards nominations, many pundits are calling this year’s Oscar race one of the most wide open in recent memory.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 14, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind the sofa cushion.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It's difficult to know who to trust in life. Then again, the guy with the horns and the hooves should have been a no-brainer.
  • Libra

    Libra

    A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Thanks to a series of unfortunate turns, you'll soon become to only man ever to compete in the Olympics, the Paralympics, and the Special Olympics.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.
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