Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 15, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 03

Bowling!

Let’s go! Come on, it’ll be fun. Have you ever been to the Lucky Star Lanes? They turn on a bunch of neon lights and play disco music after 9!

Bill Belichick Builds New Tight End From Mutilated Dog Parts

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a savage and gruesome turn of events, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly slaughtered a half-dozen dogs adopted from the humane society Friday, sewing together the dismembered body parts to construct a new, horrific tight...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 15, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest is now your common-law wife.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headed your way.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but they won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham just as much as you do.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
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