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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 17, 2012

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 17, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique affections and depth of spirit. You should strongly consider getting a goldfish.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're saving yourself for something, all right, but as the events of the next six weeks will definitively prove, it sure as hell isn't marriage.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll discover a drug that allows people in committed relationships to open up to each other and have honest, meaningful conversations. The resulting bankruptcy will nearly kill you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Due to an unusual coincidence, your fortune this week is the same as for Nov. 19, 2005. The bartender will even use the same ax.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your unfounded and irrational fear of being alone for the rest of your life is still completely inconsistent with your justifiable and sensible fear of other people.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's little you can do to stop the inexorable unfolding of inevitable fate, but moving the charcoal lighter fluid away from the furnace wouldn't be a bad start.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll finally get around to catching up on your reading just as the men in lab coats resume their midnight visits and mess it all up again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Certainly it's disturbing that you have all those nurses chained up in your basement, but it's even more disturbing how much they all paid to be there.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone's happy that you're finally off the drugs and high on life, but no one has the heart to tell you that you're putting out some of the shittiest music of your career.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is a great time for romance in the workplace, but then again, when isn't it for the world's most deranged taco truck driver?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No notable changes.

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