Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 17, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 03

North Korea

"Approximately 30,000 children leapt through the air with shiny metallic streamers, while the coordinated undulations of T-shirted adults simulated a giant North Korean flag fluttering in the wind.

Jan. 23

Quilting for Teens: Please come back, Dana! You're the only person who ever came, and I miss you!

Where Are They Now?

ABC 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST This week's episode follows up with our contestants from last week, whom we've checked in with once a week since the show began.

Area Man Relieved Friend's Short Story Sucks

BOSTON—After reading the final draft Saturday morning, local man Chris Peters, 27, was relieved to discover the short story written by his friend Mark Carter, 26, was absolutely terrible.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Race Relations

Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 17, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique affections and depth of spirit. You should strongly consider getting a goldfish.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You're saving yourself for something, all right, but as the events of the next six weeks will definitively prove, it sure as hell isn't marriage.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll discover a drug that allows people in committed relationships to open up to each other and have honest, meaningful conversations. The resulting bankruptcy will nearly kill you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Due to an unusual coincidence, your fortune this week is the same as for Nov. 19, 2005. The bartender will even use the same ax.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your unfounded and irrational fear of being alone for the rest of your life is still completely inconsistent with your justifiable and sensible fear of other people.
  • Libra

    Libra

    There's little you can do to stop the inexorable unfolding of inevitable fate, but moving the charcoal lighter fluid away from the furnace wouldn't be a bad start.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll finally get around to catching up on your reading just as the men in lab coats resume their midnight visits and mess it all up again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Certainly it's disturbing that you have all those nurses chained up in your basement, but it's even more disturbing how much they all paid to be there.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Everyone's happy that you're finally off the drugs and high on life, but no one has the heart to tell you that you're putting out some of the shittiest music of your career.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    This is a great time for romance in the workplace, but then again, when isn't it for the world's most deranged taco truck driver?
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    No notable changes.
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