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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 17, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique affections and depth of spirit. You should strongly consider getting a goldfish.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're saving yourself for something, all right, but as the events of the next six weeks will definitively prove, it sure as hell isn't marriage.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll discover a drug that allows people in committed relationships to open up to each other and have honest, meaningful conversations. The resulting bankruptcy will nearly kill you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Due to an unusual coincidence, your fortune this week is the same as for Nov. 19, 2005. The bartender will even use the same ax.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your unfounded and irrational fear of being alone for the rest of your life is still completely inconsistent with your justifiable and sensible fear of other people.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's little you can do to stop the inexorable unfolding of inevitable fate, but moving the charcoal lighter fluid away from the furnace wouldn't be a bad start.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll finally get around to catching up on your reading just as the men in lab coats resume their midnight visits and mess it all up again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Certainly it's disturbing that you have all those nurses chained up in your basement, but it's even more disturbing how much they all paid to be there.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone's happy that you're finally off the drugs and high on life, but no one has the heart to tell you that you're putting out some of the shittiest music of your career.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is a great time for romance in the workplace, but then again, when isn't it for the world's most deranged taco truck driver?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No notable changes.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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