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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 18, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Love is strong in your sign this week. Please be advised that, precession of the equinoxes or not, this is still your sign.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Outside influences will attempt to bedazzle you with strange mathematics and exotic rhetoric about a strange new sign in the sky, preventing you from meeting a dark-haired stranger.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Just as the ancient Babylonians were wise to restrict the telling of the future to a mere dozen signs, you would be wise to start new projects at work this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Vast and mighty cosmic forces stemming from the 12 majestic signs of the zodiac have conspired to foresee travel in your future. That's right, 12 majestic signs, not 13.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You know what's a stupid name for a zodiac sign? Ophiuchus. It certainly doesn't sound like a sign that would warn you not to make big financial decisions until the full moon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This would be a good time to beware of those who would make major changes to your dearly held belief systems.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Wait, if an existing constellation has that great an effect on one's destiny, then why didn't anyone make a fuss about Eris, Sedna, and Quaoar, the planet-sized objects in the Kuiper belt?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Saturn rising in your sign will subject you to the powerful force of Fate, which everybody knows is stronger by far than electromagnetism, gravity, or the nuclear strong and weak forces.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just keep repeating: No matter what, you are still a Sagittarius. You are still a Sagittarius. You are still a Sagittarius.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Faith is the evidence of things not seen, which any well-rounded human being must admit is better than only trusting good hard provable evidence.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is a good week to spend with family, which is the kind of advice stupid old Ophiuchus would never have given you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Learn to trust your heart. No one ever grew spiritually as a person by doing what the numbers and the science clearly indicate they should do.
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