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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 18, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Love is strong in your sign this week. Please be advised that, precession of the equinoxes or not, this is still your sign.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Outside influences will attempt to bedazzle you with strange mathematics and exotic rhetoric about a strange new sign in the sky, preventing you from meeting a dark-haired stranger.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Just as the ancient Babylonians were wise to restrict the telling of the future to a mere dozen signs, you would be wise to start new projects at work this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Vast and mighty cosmic forces stemming from the 12 majestic signs of the zodiac have conspired to foresee travel in your future. That's right, 12 majestic signs, not 13.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You know what's a stupid name for a zodiac sign? Ophiuchus. It certainly doesn't sound like a sign that would warn you not to make big financial decisions until the full moon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This would be a good time to beware of those who would make major changes to your dearly held belief systems.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Wait, if an existing constellation has that great an effect on one's destiny, then why didn't anyone make a fuss about Eris, Sedna, and Quaoar, the planet-sized objects in the Kuiper belt?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Saturn rising in your sign will subject you to the powerful force of Fate, which everybody knows is stronger by far than electromagnetism, gravity, or the nuclear strong and weak forces.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just keep repeating: No matter what, you are still a Sagittarius. You are still a Sagittarius. You are still a Sagittarius.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Faith is the evidence of things not seen, which any well-rounded human being must admit is better than only trusting good hard provable evidence.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is a good week to spend with family, which is the kind of advice stupid old Ophiuchus would never have given you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Learn to trust your heart. No one ever grew spiritually as a person by doing what the numbers and the science clearly indicate they should do.

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