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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 18, 2011

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 18, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Love is strong in your sign this week. Please be advised that, precession of the equinoxes or not, this is still your sign.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Outside influences will attempt to bedazzle you with strange mathematics and exotic rhetoric about a strange new sign in the sky, preventing you from meeting a dark-haired stranger.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Just as the ancient Babylonians were wise to restrict the telling of the future to a mere dozen signs, you would be wise to start new projects at work this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Vast and mighty cosmic forces stemming from the 12 majestic signs of the zodiac have conspired to foresee travel in your future. That's right, 12 majestic signs, not 13.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You know what's a stupid name for a zodiac sign? Ophiuchus. It certainly doesn't sound like a sign that would warn you not to make big financial decisions until the full moon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This would be a good time to beware of those who would make major changes to your dearly held belief systems.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Wait, if an existing constellation has that great an effect on one's destiny, then why didn't anyone make a fuss about Eris, Sedna, and Quaoar, the planet-sized objects in the Kuiper belt?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Saturn rising in your sign will subject you to the powerful force of Fate, which everybody knows is stronger by far than electromagnetism, gravity, or the nuclear strong and weak forces.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just keep repeating: No matter what, you are still a Sagittarius. You are still a Sagittarius. You are still a Sagittarius.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Faith is the evidence of things not seen, which any well-rounded human being must admit is better than only trusting good hard provable evidence.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is a good week to spend with family, which is the kind of advice stupid old Ophiuchus would never have given you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Learn to trust your heart. No one ever grew spiritually as a person by doing what the numbers and the science clearly indicate they should do.

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