Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 21, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 03

Jay Z Honored To Be Nominated In Same Category As Jay Z

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he was thrilled to be considered alongside such a talented and respected musician, hip-hop artist and 2014 Best Rap Album Grammy nominee Jay Z told reporters today that he feels “deeply honored” to be nominated in...

Lunchbox Mostly Medication

Inclement weather prevents a liar from getting to work, thousands of athletes who will disgrace their country eagerly train for the Winter Olympics, and a lunchbox is mostly medication.

Mascot Absolutely Reeks

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying that they probably never clean the thing, sources confirmed Friday that Syracuse University’s mascot Otto the Orange absolutely reeked as he wove his way in and out of stands.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 21, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you've been writing about him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll soon popularize a new dance craze, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but they're still quite tired from having all that raucous sex with your wife.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it's the giant mosquito costume.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his naked neighbor.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that's really your plumber's fault.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
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