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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 21, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you've been writing about him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll soon popularize a new dance craze, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but they're still quite tired from having all that raucous sex with your wife.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it's the giant mosquito costume.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his naked neighbor.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that's really your plumber's fault.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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