Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 23, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 04

North Korea To Test New Nuclear Weapon

In response to recently imposed U.N. sanctions, North Korea vowed to conduct its third test of a nuclear weapon, warning of confrontation with its proclaimed “arch-enemy” the United States.

Study Exposes Risks Of Conducting Research While Driving

NASA continues its search for a planet capable of supporting NASA, Prince Harry announces that he killed some Taliban-looking people during his tour of duty, and a copy of 'The Scarlet Letter'' can't believe the notes a high schooler is writing in its mar...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Personal Finance

Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 23, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The way to respond to a stupid question is to pretend not to hear it, which is why your friends all seem to have hearing problems.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    An elite squad of international assassins will target you in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to use a rifle, add a deck to the house, and catch a trout—everyone, that is, except for your nephew.
  • Leo

    Leo

    After everyone has spoken, there will be an awkward, 90-second silence, at which point people will agree that you've been eulogized enough.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The debate on whether we have a shame or a guilt-based society is complicated when, due to some odd circumstances, you kill a man by shitting your pants.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Once again, you'll be surprised by how many of your troubles can be traced back to that smelly old couch.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjusted to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.
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