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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 23, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The way to respond to a stupid question is to pretend not to hear it, which is why your friends all seem to have hearing problems.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    An elite squad of international assassins will target you in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to use a rifle, add a deck to the house, and catch a trout—everyone, that is, except for your nephew.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After everyone has spoken, there will be an awkward, 90-second silence, at which point people will agree that you've been eulogized enough.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The debate on whether we have a shame or a guilt-based society is complicated when, due to some odd circumstances, you kill a man by shitting your pants.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Once again, you'll be surprised by how many of your troubles can be traced back to that smelly old couch.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjusted to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.

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