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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24, 2012

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Entertainment

Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear of pubic speaking won't be helped by your habit of saying things that make large groups of people want to attack you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The appearance of a tall dark stranger in your life will lead to a time of mystery and intrigue as you and he discuss the real meanings of the words "dark," "stranger," and even "tall."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Love has always meant different things to different people, but for God's sake, at no point in human history has it ever meant that.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It is written that you will wield a sword of light and unite the world under your wise and compassionate rule, but hey, when you get right down to it, lots of shit has been written.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When you said no one could understand the way you felt, you were ignoring the many generations before you who also had late-night cravings for Little Debbies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Mercury rising in your sign means you'll do exactly what you want to at any given moment, just like you always do, you flighty bastard.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This is a terrible time to start new phases of your life, especially those that involve eating whole frozen Pepperidge Farm chocolate cakes before they even have time to defrost.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Due to unusual and convoluted circumstances too involved to go into here, you'll spend the next three years imprisoned in an aging 1960s girl group.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your heart, at least, will be in the right place next week when you attempt to overcome your fear of commitment by marrying everyone you know.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Beware: Time is running out to order Girl Scout cookies from Hazel so that she can earn the stuffed penguin—and already, Thin Mints may be unavailable.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though you've been trying to find yourself for decades, you'll be dis­appointed to tears when you find yourself living in Flagstaff and working at a screen-door factory.

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