Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 04

Just For Show

This newly renovated building is the perfect place for dates to drop you off, and a photograph of its exterior is a great way to prove to your parents that you’re doing fine on your own.

Screwballs

ABC Family 7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST The gang engages in all the hijinks allowed by ABC Family Worldwide's strict programming guidelines, including a three-second pillow fight and almost dropping a birthday cake.

The Art Of Compromise

Never imagined you'd be 35, married with two kids, and working a job you can't stand in a town you once vowed to leave?

Piers Morgan: The Animated Adventure

ABC 9 a.m. EST/8 a.m. CST This Saturday morning, Piers sets out on a quest to find the most-talented person in all of Morgania before sitting down for a chatty, yet in-depth interview with cartoon Rob Lowe.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your fear of pubic speaking won't be helped by your habit of saying things that make large groups of people want to attack you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The appearance of a tall dark stranger in your life will lead to a time of mystery and intrigue as you and he discuss the real meanings of the words "dark," "stranger," and even "tall."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Love has always meant different things to different people, but for God's sake, at no point in human history has it ever meant that.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It is written that you will wield a sword of light and unite the world under your wise and compassionate rule, but hey, when you get right down to it, lots of shit has been written.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    When you said no one could understand the way you felt, you were ignoring the many generations before you who also had late-night cravings for Little Debbies.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Mercury rising in your sign means you'll do exactly what you want to at any given moment, just like you always do, you flighty bastard.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    This is a terrible time to start new phases of your life, especially those that involve eating whole frozen Pepperidge Farm chocolate cakes before they even have time to defrost.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Due to unusual and convoluted circumstances too involved to go into here, you'll spend the next three years imprisoned in an aging 1960s girl group.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your heart, at least, will be in the right place next week when you attempt to overcome your fear of commitment by marrying everyone you know.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Beware: Time is running out to order Girl Scout cookies from Hazel so that she can earn the stuffed penguin—and already, Thin Mints may be unavailable.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Though you've been trying to find yourself for decades, you'll be dis­appointed to tears when you find yourself living in Flagstaff and working at a screen-door factory.
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