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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear of pubic speaking won't be helped by your habit of saying things that make large groups of people want to attack you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The appearance of a tall dark stranger in your life will lead to a time of mystery and intrigue as you and he discuss the real meanings of the words "dark," "stranger," and even "tall."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Love has always meant different things to different people, but for God's sake, at no point in human history has it ever meant that.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It is written that you will wield a sword of light and unite the world under your wise and compassionate rule, but hey, when you get right down to it, lots of shit has been written.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When you said no one could understand the way you felt, you were ignoring the many generations before you who also had late-night cravings for Little Debbies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Mercury rising in your sign means you'll do exactly what you want to at any given moment, just like you always do, you flighty bastard.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This is a terrible time to start new phases of your life, especially those that involve eating whole frozen Pepperidge Farm chocolate cakes before they even have time to defrost.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Due to unusual and convoluted circumstances too involved to go into here, you'll spend the next three years imprisoned in an aging 1960s girl group.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your heart, at least, will be in the right place next week when you attempt to overcome your fear of commitment by marrying everyone you know.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Beware: Time is running out to order Girl Scout cookies from Hazel so that she can earn the stuffed penguin—and already, Thin Mints may be unavailable.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though you've been trying to find yourself for decades, you'll be dis­appointed to tears when you find yourself living in Flagstaff and working at a screen-door factory.

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