adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24, 2012

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Originality

Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear of pubic speaking won't be helped by your habit of saying things that make large groups of people want to attack you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The appearance of a tall dark stranger in your life will lead to a time of mystery and intrigue as you and he discuss the real meanings of the words "dark," "stranger," and even "tall."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Love has always meant different things to different people, but for God's sake, at no point in human history has it ever meant that.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It is written that you will wield a sword of light and unite the world under your wise and compassionate rule, but hey, when you get right down to it, lots of shit has been written.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When you said no one could understand the way you felt, you were ignoring the many generations before you who also had late-night cravings for Little Debbies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Mercury rising in your sign means you'll do exactly what you want to at any given moment, just like you always do, you flighty bastard.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This is a terrible time to start new phases of your life, especially those that involve eating whole frozen Pepperidge Farm chocolate cakes before they even have time to defrost.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Due to unusual and convoluted circumstances too involved to go into here, you'll spend the next three years imprisoned in an aging 1960s girl group.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your heart, at least, will be in the right place next week when you attempt to overcome your fear of commitment by marrying everyone you know.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Beware: Time is running out to order Girl Scout cookies from Hazel so that she can earn the stuffed penguin—and already, Thin Mints may be unavailable.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though you've been trying to find yourself for decades, you'll be dis­appointed to tears when you find yourself living in Flagstaff and working at a screen-door factory.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close