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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 25, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your plans for an exciting weekend will be spoiled when a busybody scientist decides he just has to ask you why you want all that plutonium.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It will seem as if you've finally received divine evidence of your Christlike nature, but it turns out all women bleed like that.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always been afraid of someone washing your mouth out with soap, but that was before you learned they made a special mouth-soap in the form of a minty paste.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: The patient raindrops can eventually wear away even the hardest stone. Don't let them get to close if you value your life.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are two kinds of people in this world, and you're almost certain that one of the two kinds does not have a penis.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars foresee great heartbreak, loss, and danger ahead for you, especially if you do not stop asking why they didn't tell you George Clooney was going to get malaria.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be physically overwhelmed by the simple eloquence and timeless beauty of a LeRoy Neiman painting, proving that there are dire consequences to having shitty taste.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While there's no shame in admitting you don't know everything, there's actually quite a lot of shame in admitting you can't figure out how to eat chips and salsa.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: It doesn't matter how well the bear dances, because it's impressive the bear can dance at all. Now go shave, lose some weight, and take dancing lessons.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People say there are no second chances in life, but even as they tighten the straps, you'll be listening for the governor's phone call.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Help out your friends and relatives with a sensitive issue this week. Clearly label all your worldly possessions with the name of the intended recipient by about 8:15 on Friday night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be suddenly struck by the realization that there is no meaning to the universe save that we make, and that all human love is merely sexuality in disguise, but then you'll be struck with the realization that some jalapeño poppers would be great about now.
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