Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 25, 2011

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 25, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your plans for an exciting weekend will be spoiled when a busybody scientist decides he just has to ask you why you want all that plutonium.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It will seem as if you've finally received divine evidence of your Christlike nature, but it turns out all women bleed like that.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always been afraid of someone washing your mouth out with soap, but that was before you learned they made a special mouth-soap in the form of a minty paste.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: The patient raindrops can eventually wear away even the hardest stone. Don't let them get to close if you value your life.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are two kinds of people in this world, and you're almost certain that one of the two kinds does not have a penis.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars foresee great heartbreak, loss, and danger ahead for you, especially if you do not stop asking why they didn't tell you George Clooney was going to get malaria.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be physically overwhelmed by the simple eloquence and timeless beauty of a LeRoy Neiman painting, proving that there are dire consequences to having shitty taste.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While there's no shame in admitting you don't know everything, there's actually quite a lot of shame in admitting you can't figure out how to eat chips and salsa.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: It doesn't matter how well the bear dances, because it's impressive the bear can dance at all. Now go shave, lose some weight, and take dancing lessons.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People say there are no second chances in life, but even as they tighten the straps, you'll be listening for the governor's phone call.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Help out your friends and relatives with a sensitive issue this week. Clearly label all your worldly possessions with the name of the intended recipient by about 8:15 on Friday night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be suddenly struck by the realization that there is no meaning to the universe save that we make, and that all human love is merely sexuality in disguise, but then you'll be struck with the realization that some jalapeño poppers would be great about now.
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