Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 25, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 04

Final Week Of "Dumb In America" Looks At Future Of Idiots

In "Half-Wits Ascendant: Towards A Dumber Tomorrow," Host John Harris is embedded with The Brotherhood of the Talon, a group of anti-government revolutionaries deep in the Ozarks, where he uncovers a little-known fact: several of the nat...

"Dumb In America" Fourth Episode Shines Light On Dumb Blacks

Harris goes deep inside the dumb black experience to ask, "In a country where African-Americans make up an inordinate amount of the prison population, does being dumb really matter one way or the other? They're probably going to get you anyway, righ...

U-Say Response To Becker Decision

Was the Supreme Court's ruling against Tom Becker fair? Here's what U, the viewers, have to say: "That Becker guy is the worst. I'd rather have my ears bleed uncontrollably than listen to him drone on about the benefits of taekwondo again." --...

The CrossWord: Juniper Has Troubled Past

All right, people, let's talk about this horse-marriage debacle. The conventional wisdom is that Congressman Ronald North is the bad guy, but like all conventional wisdom, it's DEAD WRONG.

This Week's "Dumb In America" Looks At Dumb Men

In "The Dumb Man: Hardship & Hope At An Eighty-Six I.Q.," "Dumb In America" host John Harris examines what it means to be a dumb man in America today. Though stupid men find themselves increasingly accepted by society as a ...

U-Say Responses To The Military Chaperone Program

We received thousands of emails about the army’s new chaperone program for women in combat. Here's what U-Say about this issue: "I can't imagine sending these women into combat without a man there to make sure to catch them when they faint at a...
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 25, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your plans for an exciting weekend will be spoiled when a busybody scientist decides he just has to ask you why you want all that plutonium.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It will seem as if you've finally received divine evidence of your Christlike nature, but it turns out all women bleed like that.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've always been afraid of someone washing your mouth out with soap, but that was before you learned they made a special mouth-soap in the form of a minty paste.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Remember: The patient raindrops can eventually wear away even the hardest stone. Don't let them get to close if you value your life.
  • Leo

    Leo

    There are two kinds of people in this world, and you're almost certain that one of the two kinds does not have a penis.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars foresee great heartbreak, loss, and danger ahead for you, especially if you do not stop asking why they didn't tell you George Clooney was going to get malaria.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will be physically overwhelmed by the simple eloquence and timeless beauty of a LeRoy Neiman painting, proving that there are dire consequences to having shitty taste.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    While there's no shame in admitting you don't know everything, there's actually quite a lot of shame in admitting you can't figure out how to eat chips and salsa.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Remember: It doesn't matter how well the bear dances, because it's impressive the bear can dance at all. Now go shave, lose some weight, and take dancing lessons.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    People say there are no second chances in life, but even as they tighten the straps, you'll be listening for the governor's phone call.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Help out your friends and relatives with a sensitive issue this week. Clearly label all your worldly possessions with the name of the intended recipient by about 8:15 on Friday night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will be suddenly struck by the realization that there is no meaning to the universe save that we make, and that all human love is merely sexuality in disguise, but then you'll be struck with the realization that some jalapeño poppers would be great about now.
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