Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 28, 2013

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Vol 50 Issue 04

Girl Scouts Introduce Gluten-Free Cookies

In an effort to better accommodate those with gluten intolerance, a number of Girl Scout troops around the country will sell a gluten-free version of their chocolate chip shortbread cookie.

Huskies Unstoppable During Cold-Weather Puppy Bowl

NEW YORK—Overcoming frigid temperatures and biting winds, a team of husky puppies overpowered and trounced the opposition Sunday during Puppy Bowl X, the first ever cold-weather Puppy Bowl. As temperatures dropped into the low twenties, puppies atte...

Seahawks vs. Broncos

The Seahawks battle the Broncos in a game that players will be treating like the Super Bowl. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 28, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you'll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope deep within you which will soon be gone too.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've always wanted to yell "Stop the presses," but when it looks like you'll finally get an opportunity to do so, they'll feed you in head first.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Readers across the nation will finally be exposed to your literary genius and scintillating wordplay now that the DOT has approved your custom license plate.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will make medical history this week as the first person to recover from smallpox only to die from a never-before-seen strain of enormouspox.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll learn too late that love and deception often go hand in hand when the eloquent stranger sending you love letters turns out not to be the real Sarah Vowell.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The flame of true love will finally gutter and die in your soul, but take heart: the flame of too many video game systems plugged into a single outlet is burning bright in your den.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll be unable to think of anything sadder than the sight of the hooks which once held her picture, but there's absolutely nothing else in the room to stare at for hours on end.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    When you were a child, you spoke as a child, you understood as a child, and you thought as a child; so no real changes, then.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your lifelong search for your soul mate will comes to an end at last when you discover it was Robert Kearns, inventor of the intermittent windshield wiper, who died in 2005.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll do your part for the environment this week when you recycle what's left of the nurses into furniture, decorative items, and innovative storage solutions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Just when you think all subtle beauty has finally faded from the world, you'll remember "So Into You" by the Atlanta Rhythm Section.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Love may mean different things to different people, but it's surprising how many definitions include heavy investment in real estate.
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