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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 3, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Most accidents occur at home, so stay safe this week by living on the streets of a distant city.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always been afraid no one will notice when you die, but take comfort: The swarm of killer bees will be very much aware of what's happening.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There is little that can truly mend a broken heart besides time. Sadly, you only have about three weeks to learn to love and be loved again.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, but despite that, you'll still struggle to figure out exactly what you're supposed to eat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars see many things ahead for you, which is exactly the kind of vague and value-neutral statement they've spent the long eons of their existence perfecting.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Saturn and Mars rising in your sign foretell a deadly combination of conflict and the search for knowledge. To avoid sudden murder, try not to read any predictions about your future this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The circumstances of your life will combine in such a way as to grant you possession of a great many lemons. However, all the advice you receive regarding their purpose will be useless and trite.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The resources and knowledge of human civilization will once again be marshaled and brought to bear for the purpose of telling you what everyone's cat is doing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    One of the most magical sounds in the world is the laughter of children on Christmas morning, but it's kind of jarring when directed at you as the flames consume your body.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars would love to tell you what's ahead for you this week, but they've decided they'd rather wait and see the look on your face when it all happens.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing will be able to prepare you for the sense of dread and fear you'll experience when you suddenly realize your life has meaning and purpose again.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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