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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 3, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Most accidents occur at home, so stay safe this week by living on the streets of a distant city.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always been afraid no one will notice when you die, but take comfort: The swarm of killer bees will be very much aware of what's happening.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There is little that can truly mend a broken heart besides time. Sadly, you only have about three weeks to learn to love and be loved again.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, but despite that, you'll still struggle to figure out exactly what you're supposed to eat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars see many things ahead for you, which is exactly the kind of vague and value-neutral statement they've spent the long eons of their existence perfecting.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Saturn and Mars rising in your sign foretell a deadly combination of conflict and the search for knowledge. To avoid sudden murder, try not to read any predictions about your future this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The circumstances of your life will combine in such a way as to grant you possession of a great many lemons. However, all the advice you receive regarding their purpose will be useless and trite.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The resources and knowledge of human civilization will once again be marshaled and brought to bear for the purpose of telling you what everyone's cat is doing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    One of the most magical sounds in the world is the laughter of children on Christmas morning, but it's kind of jarring when directed at you as the flames consume your body.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars would love to tell you what's ahead for you this week, but they've decided they'd rather wait and see the look on your face when it all happens.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing will be able to prepare you for the sense of dread and fear you'll experience when you suddenly realize your life has meaning and purpose again.

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