adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Biggest Announcements From E3

Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 3, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Most accidents occur at home, so stay safe this week by living on the streets of a distant city.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always been afraid no one will notice when you die, but take comfort: The swarm of killer bees will be very much aware of what's happening.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There is little that can truly mend a broken heart besides time. Sadly, you only have about three weeks to learn to love and be loved again.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, but despite that, you'll still struggle to figure out exactly what you're supposed to eat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars see many things ahead for you, which is exactly the kind of vague and value-neutral statement they've spent the long eons of their existence perfecting.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Saturn and Mars rising in your sign foretell a deadly combination of conflict and the search for knowledge. To avoid sudden murder, try not to read any predictions about your future this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The circumstances of your life will combine in such a way as to grant you possession of a great many lemons. However, all the advice you receive regarding their purpose will be useless and trite.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The resources and knowledge of human civilization will once again be marshaled and brought to bear for the purpose of telling you what everyone's cat is doing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    One of the most magical sounds in the world is the laughter of children on Christmas morning, but it's kind of jarring when directed at you as the flames consume your body.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars would love to tell you what's ahead for you this week, but they've decided they'd rather wait and see the look on your face when it all happens.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing will be able to prepare you for the sense of dread and fear you'll experience when you suddenly realize your life has meaning and purpose again.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close