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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 31, 2012

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 31, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantly this week when you decide that all women are basically just crazy bitches.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You are relived to find that, although you've left the window open and pages are indeed being torn from the calendar, you're not actually hurtling though time at a breakneck pace.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life certainly isn't working out the way you had planned. Try to find some sort of equivalent of unplugging it and starting it over.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're pretty sure that if God had really meant for man to fly, he would have given us all the ability to afford our own airplanes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The furious mobs will finally stop burning you in effigy next week, but only because they've decided to stop playing around with dolls and go right to the source.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always enjoyed story problems, so maybe you'll enjoy the one the police tell you about your car being found 200 miles away three days ago with eight dead women in the trunk.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The really interesting thing about next week isn't the remarkable size of the lobsters or how the polluted environment has affected their aggressiveness, but it's closely related.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The bad news is your favorite shirt will be stained beyond saving next week; the good news is your favorite tie will be untouched, which is miraculous when you think about how many times you'll be shot.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The problems of reconciling the spiritual and material, or the intellectual and emotional, shall seem as nothing to you when compared with the problem of asking Erin out to the movies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They may be laughing at you now, but they'll have to stop eventually if only to eat, catch their breath, and get a good night's sleep in preparation for laughing at you all day tomorrow.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sometimes all you want is to relax in your sweats with a movie and a bowl of popcorn, but this week you'll want six units of whole blood, clean bandages, a splint, and plenty of morphine.

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