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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 31, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantly this week when you decide that all women are basically just crazy bitches.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You are relived to find that, although you've left the window open and pages are indeed being torn from the calendar, you're not actually hurtling though time at a breakneck pace.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life certainly isn't working out the way you had planned. Try to find some sort of equivalent of unplugging it and starting it over.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're pretty sure that if God had really meant for man to fly, he would have given us all the ability to afford our own airplanes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The furious mobs will finally stop burning you in effigy next week, but only because they've decided to stop playing around with dolls and go right to the source.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always enjoyed story problems, so maybe you'll enjoy the one the police tell you about your car being found 200 miles away three days ago with eight dead women in the trunk.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The really interesting thing about next week isn't the remarkable size of the lobsters or how the polluted environment has affected their aggressiveness, but it's closely related.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The bad news is your favorite shirt will be stained beyond saving next week; the good news is your favorite tie will be untouched, which is miraculous when you think about how many times you'll be shot.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The problems of reconciling the spiritual and material, or the intellectual and emotional, shall seem as nothing to you when compared with the problem of asking Erin out to the movies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They may be laughing at you now, but they'll have to stop eventually if only to eat, catch their breath, and get a good night's sleep in preparation for laughing at you all day tomorrow.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sometimes all you want is to relax in your sweats with a movie and a bowl of popcorn, but this week you'll want six units of whole blood, clean bandages, a splint, and plenty of morphine.

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