Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 4, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 01

Modern-Day Cowboy Rides 18-Wheeler Full Of Entenmann's Products Westward

SOLOMON, KS—Awakening to the lonely howl of a distant coyote early Tuesday morning, C.J. Hoppel climbs into his 18-wheeler and sets off westward across a barren stretch of unbroken prairie, the whipping wind his only companion as he pulls a rig full of Entenmann's baked goods and snack cakes across the plains.

Robert Gibbs Stepping Down

While House press secretary Robert Gibbs announced he would be leaving his position as White House press secretary to work as a political adviser.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 4, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your romantic life will hit a rough patch this week when your lover, having grown bored of the relationship, trades you to the Saskatchewan Roughriders.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The Parandrus, an antlered, hairy, cloven-hoofed beast the size of an ox and notable for its ill temper and foul breath, was thought to be mythical until people got a load of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your sudden desire for stability will lead you to retrofit yourself with StabiliTrak, a rather dated skid- control system that brakes your feet individually to improve control.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll be taken aback this week by the news that your life story has been changed from a lightweight romantic comedy to a lengthy and detailed police procedural.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The so-called Tenth Crusade will end almost as soon as it begins next week when armies of religious warriors have no trouble whatsoever conquering and subjugating you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Pluto rising in your sign indicates trouble in your work life, which is problematic because, well, for astronomical reasons, Pluto will be rising in your sign for the next 87 years.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You have evidently failed to learn the lessons of history, as you will attempt to find the Northwest Passage, unite Britain and Ireland, and get your family to stop exchanging Christmas gifts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Only one major thing will happen to you this week. After that, however, it won't really be possible for anything ever to happen to you again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll begin to suspect that your spouse has taken other sexual partners shortly after he or she opens a conversation with you by saying, "I've been thinking about taking other sexual partners."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    This week will teach you that there are certain things that really can't be faked, such as love, respect, and the human arm.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll be bitten by a vampire and become one of the Immortal Sanguinary Children of the Night just when the whole fad is about to blow over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your future has yet to be determined due to a malevolent online community's massive denial-of- service attack on the relevant zodiacal elements.
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