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Biggest Announcements From E3

Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 4, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your romantic life will hit a rough patch this week when your lover, having grown bored of the relationship, trades you to the Saskatchewan Roughriders.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The Parandrus, an antlered, hairy, cloven-hoofed beast the size of an ox and notable for its ill temper and foul breath, was thought to be mythical until people got a load of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your sudden desire for stability will lead you to retrofit yourself with StabiliTrak, a rather dated skid- control system that brakes your feet individually to improve control.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be taken aback this week by the news that your life story has been changed from a lightweight romantic comedy to a lengthy and detailed police procedural.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The so-called Tenth Crusade will end almost as soon as it begins next week when armies of religious warriors have no trouble whatsoever conquering and subjugating you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Pluto rising in your sign indicates trouble in your work life, which is problematic because, well, for astronomical reasons, Pluto will be rising in your sign for the next 87 years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You have evidently failed to learn the lessons of history, as you will attempt to find the Northwest Passage, unite Britain and Ireland, and get your family to stop exchanging Christmas gifts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Only one major thing will happen to you this week. After that, however, it won't really be possible for anything ever to happen to you again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll begin to suspect that your spouse has taken other sexual partners shortly after he or she opens a conversation with you by saying, "I've been thinking about taking other sexual partners."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This week will teach you that there are certain things that really can't be faked, such as love, respect, and the human arm.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be bitten by a vampire and become one of the Immortal Sanguinary Children of the Night just when the whole fad is about to blow over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your future has yet to be determined due to a malevolent online community's massive denial-of- service attack on the relevant zodiacal elements.

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