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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 9, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don’t be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You thought true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Frankly, the stars don’t understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it’s tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll feel cheated this week when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate you shouldn't forget Katya's potluck this Friday at 6 p.m.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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