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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 1, 2014

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Entertainment

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 1, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your plans for an exciting weekend will be spoiled when a busybody scientist decides he just has to ask you why you want all that plutonium.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It will seem as if you've finally received divine evidence of your Christlike nature, but it turns out all women bleed like that.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always been afraid of someone washing your mouth out with soap, but that was before you learned they made a special mouth-soap in the form of a minty paste.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: The patient raindrops can eventually wear away even the hardest stone. Don't let them get to close if you value your life.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are two kinds of people in this world, and you're almost certain that one of the two kinds does not have a penis.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars foresee great heartbreak, loss, and danger ahead for you, especially if you do not stop asking why they didn't tell you George Clooney was going to get malaria.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be physically overwhelmed by the simple eloquence and timeless beauty of a LeRoy Neimann painting, proving that there are dire consequences to having shitty taste.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While there's no shame in admitting you don't know everything, there's actually quite a lot of shame in admitting you can't figure out how to eat chips and salsa.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: It doesn't matter how well the bear dances, because it's impressive the bear can dance at all. Now go shave, lose some weight, and take dancing lessons.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People say there are no second chances in life, but even as they tighten the straps, you'll be listening for the governor's phone call.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Help out your friends and relatives with a sensitive issue this week. Clearly label all your worldly possessions with the name of the intended recipient by about 8:15 on Friday night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be suddenly struck by the realization that there is no meaning to the Universe save that we make and that all human love is merely sexuality in disguise, but then you'll be struck with the realization that some jalapeño poppers would be great about now.

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