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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 10, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While it's true you'll never really understand, accept, or tolerate homosexuality, it's admirable that it hasn't stopped you from having sex with people of your gender.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The places in the sand where your footprints disappear and only the marks of unspeakably malevolent tentacles can be seen are the part where Cthulhu carried you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've really tried, honestly you have, but you just can't drum up the enthusiasm for people to pay you for the things society expects from you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As far as you're concerned, there are only two types of people in the world, and it's always bothered you that you can't figure out what they are.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's nice that you're trying to become closer to your coworkers, but really, by now you should have noticed they're trying to edge away as politely as possible.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's a lucky day for you when, instead of making you a better person and serving the greater good, your personal and political beliefs fall neatly in line with you getting everything you want.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's an old saying about cows and getting free milk that applies to your situation, at least if you think of the saying as pertaining to having sex with cows.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will undergo a profound personal and spiritual change this week, but no one around you will notice since it doesn't make you put on pants anymore often.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're not the most curious person in the world, but this week will see you take a profound interest in the exact meaning of all those red lights on the machines you're hooked up to.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your plan to dig an escape tunnel over the next three years using only a spoon stolen from the cafeteria will utterly dumbfound everyone else at the office.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When all's said and done, some people will actually admire the way you stand your ground and don’t let the escaped zoo elephant just push you around.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars actually indicate a lot less than you think they do, but go ahead and make big changes in the workplace if that's what you got out of it all.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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