Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 10, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 28

Captain Actual America Overweight, Hopelessly In Debt

Comic Con is once again marred by the increasingly popular Bully-Con, a weird glitch causes 'The Amazing Spider-Man' to reboot in the middle of the movie, and the 'Richie Rich' comic strip introduces a new, even gayer character.

Bin Laden's Cook Released From Gitmo

After 10 years as a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay, 52-year-old Ibrahim al-Qosi, who served as a cook at an al-Qaeda compound in Afghanistan, was released and allowed to return to Sudan.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 10, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    While it's true you'll never really understand, accept, or tolerate homosexuality, it's admirable that it hasn't stopped you from having sex with people of your gender.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The places in the sand where your footprints disappear and only the marks of unspeakably malevolent tentacles can be seen are the part where Cthulhu carried you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've really tried, honestly you have, but you just can't drum up the enthusiasm for people to pay you for the things society expects from you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    As far as you're concerned, there are only two types of people in the world, and it's always bothered you that you can't figure out what they are.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It's nice that you're trying to become closer to your coworkers, but really, by now you should have noticed they're trying to edge away as politely as possible.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It's a lucky day for you when, instead of making you a better person and serving the greater good, your personal and political beliefs fall neatly in line with you getting everything you want.
  • Libra

    Libra

    There's an old saying about cows and getting free milk that applies to your situation, at least if you think of the saying as pertaining to having sex with cows.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will undergo a profound personal and spiritual change this week, but no one around you will notice since it doesn't make you put on pants anymore often.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're not the most curious person in the world, but this week will see you take a profound interest in the exact meaning of all those red lights on the machines you're hooked up to.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your plan to dig an escape tunnel over the next three years using only a spoon stolen from the cafeteria will utterly dumbfound everyone else at the office.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    When all's said and done, some people will actually admire the way you stand your ground and don’t let the escaped zoo elephant just push you around.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars actually indicate a lot less than you think they do, but go ahead and make big changes in the workplace if that's what you got out of it all.
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