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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 10, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While it's true you'll never really understand, accept, or tolerate homosexuality, it's admirable that it hasn't stopped you from having sex with people of your gender.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The places in the sand where your footprints disappear and only the marks of unspeakably malevolent tentacles can be seen are the part where Cthulhu carried you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've really tried, honestly you have, but you just can't drum up the enthusiasm for people to pay you for the things society expects from you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As far as you're concerned, there are only two types of people in the world, and it's always bothered you that you can't figure out what they are.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's nice that you're trying to become closer to your coworkers, but really, by now you should have noticed they're trying to edge away as politely as possible.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's a lucky day for you when, instead of making you a better person and serving the greater good, your personal and political beliefs fall neatly in line with you getting everything you want.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's an old saying about cows and getting free milk that applies to your situation, at least if you think of the saying as pertaining to having sex with cows.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will undergo a profound personal and spiritual change this week, but no one around you will notice since it doesn't make you put on pants anymore often.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're not the most curious person in the world, but this week will see you take a profound interest in the exact meaning of all those red lights on the machines you're hooked up to.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your plan to dig an escape tunnel over the next three years using only a spoon stolen from the cafeteria will utterly dumbfound everyone else at the office.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When all's said and done, some people will actually admire the way you stand your ground and don’t let the escaped zoo elephant just push you around.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars actually indicate a lot less than you think they do, but go ahead and make big changes in the workplace if that's what you got out of it all.

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