Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 12, 2011 

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 12, 2011 

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're sick and tired of being treated like a child, except for the sexy parts where they change your dirty, filthy diapers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Remember: If you give in to the impulses to do whatever you want with your life, you'll become one of those happy, satisfied people you resent so much.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You may treasure the sense of mystery you have about the future, but really, learning the days of the week won't ruin the magic.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Travel and adventure are in your future this week as your captors continue crossing state lines to stay one step ahead of the law.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll wake up naked in a hotel bed between the corpses of a prostitute and a district attorney and have no memory of what happened, but presumably it's the same situation as last time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll soon experience redoubled energy, a renewed sense of purpose, and a profound rush of confidence, proving once again that cocaine cannot be trusted.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your sneaking feeling that people are out to get you just shows how delusional you are, as you should know damn good and well that they're out to get you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    They say lightning never strikes twice, which doesn't explain what's been happening to you at three o'clock every Wednesday for the past three months.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You always dreamed of being a human cannonball, but you had no idea that advances in artillery technology would limit your career to a very small number of appearances.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    They'll say what you did to all those nurses was unspeakable and ugly, but you know in your heart they're all really just jealous.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You may have great quantities of bravado, élan, and puissance, but there's no way to be sure until you find out what those words mean.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars foresee many amazing things ahead of you this week, but really, they're too good to just tell you about in advance.
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