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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 12, 2011 

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 12, 2011 

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're sick and tired of being treated like a child, except for the sexy parts where they change your dirty, filthy diapers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: If you give in to the impulses to do whatever you want with your life, you'll become one of those happy, satisfied people you resent so much.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You may treasure the sense of mystery you have about the future, but really, learning the days of the week won't ruin the magic.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Travel and adventure are in your future this week as your captors continue crossing state lines to stay one step ahead of the law.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll wake up naked in a hotel bed between the corpses of a prostitute and a district attorney and have no memory of what happened, but presumably it's the same situation as last time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll soon experience redoubled energy, a renewed sense of purpose, and a profound rush of confidence, proving once again that cocaine cannot be trusted.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your sneaking feeling that people are out to get you just shows how delusional you are, as you should know damn good and well that they're out to get you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    They say lightning never strikes twice, which doesn't explain what's been happening to you at three o'clock every Wednesday for the past three months.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You always dreamed of being a human cannonball, but you had no idea that advances in artillery technology would limit your career to a very small number of appearances.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    They'll say what you did to all those nurses was unspeakable and ugly, but you know in your heart they're all really just jealous.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You may have great quantities of bravado, élan, and puissance, but there's no way to be sure until you find out what those words mean.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars foresee many amazing things ahead of you this week, but really, they're too good to just tell you about in advance.

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