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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 13, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind the sofa cushion.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's difficult to know who to trust in life. Then again, the guy with the horns and the hooves should have been a no-brainer.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thanks to a series of unfortunate turns, you'll soon become the only man ever to compete in the Olympics, the Paralympics, and the Special Olympics.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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