Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 15, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 28

Snowden: NSA Agents Pass Around Nude Photos

In an interview with The Guardian, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden revealed that some U.S. intelligence agents routinely pass around nude photos and other “sexually compromised” images they discover while spying on targets.

Mom $15,000 In The Hole With Ceramic Frog Dealer

Everyone in the Middle East is given their own country in a 317,000,000-state solution, NASA announces plans to launch a chimpanzee into the sun, and a local mom is $15,000 in the hole with her ceramic frog dealer.

Marriage Going To Be Hard To Go Back To On Monday

EAST HARTFORD, CT—Thinking wearily of the moment when he would have to return to the daily grind, local man Dan Zageris is already dreading going back to his marriage Monday, sources confirmed this weekend.

KKK Recruiting Kids By Handing Out Candy

According to residents of a South Carolina town, the Ku Klux Klan has been attempting to recruit children into its ranks by going to neighborhoods and leaving out bags of candy containing slips of paper with the words “Save Our Land, Join The Klan...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 15, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your plan to put on a spectacular song-and-dance show to raise desperately needed cash will somehow fail to save your foundering musical.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Although you feel as if you are all alone in a cold, brutal, and uncaring world, there are in fact 7 billion other people there.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Earth and Water magics are very strong in your sign this week, indicating that this is a good time to do mud-related activities.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You’ve always believed that your soul is a lonely seeker of Truth, which does not explain why it’s usually found in a crowded line waiting for Cinnabon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It’s actually not true that doctors would simply allow you to die in order to harvest your organs. You’ll be dead, all right.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Everyone will think you’re just making a hilarious reference, undermining your efforts to warn everyone that the alien manifesto is, in fact, actually a cookbook.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    An angel will appear to you in glory and foretell that you shall have happiness, peace, and the riches of the world, which would be better if he didn’t keep getting your name wrong.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The powers that be are in fact watching you at all hours and tracking your every move, but only because they’re hoping you'll slip on the ice and drop your groceries again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You’ll soon have the opportunity to reflect on all the crucial moments of your youth when a chunk of flying rebar erases all your memories after age 9.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You’ll receive a strange email from the Nigerian government describing, in painstaking detail, the management of its petroleum-distribution infrastructure.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    After years of work, you will be asked to submit your paper, “There Is Nothing Like A Good Plate Of Bacon And Eggs,” to the philosophy department at the Sorbonne.
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