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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 15, 2014

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 15, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your plan to put on a spectacular song-and-dance show to raise desperately needed cash will somehow fail to save your foundering musical.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although you feel as if you are all alone in a cold, brutal, and uncaring world, there are in fact 7 billion other people there.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Earth and Water magics are very strong in your sign this week, indicating that this is a good time to do mud-related activities.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’ve always believed that your soul is a lonely seeker of Truth, which does not explain why it’s usually found in a crowded line waiting for Cinnabon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It’s actually not true that doctors would simply allow you to die in order to harvest your organs. You’ll be dead, all right.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Everyone will think you’re just making a hilarious reference, undermining your efforts to warn everyone that the alien manifesto is, in fact, actually a cookbook.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    An angel will appear to you in glory and foretell that you shall have happiness, peace, and the riches of the world, which would be better if he didn’t keep getting your name wrong.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The powers that be are in fact watching you at all hours and tracking your every move, but only because they’re hoping you'll slip on the ice and drop your groceries again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You’ll soon have the opportunity to reflect on all the crucial moments of your youth when a chunk of flying rebar erases all your memories after age 9.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’ll receive a strange email from the Nigerian government describing, in painstaking detail, the management of its petroleum-distribution infrastructure.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After years of work, you will be asked to submit your paper, “There Is Nothing Like A Good Plate Of Bacon And Eggs,” to the philosophy department at the Sorbonne.

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