Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 16, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 29

Royal Baby Born

LONDON—After months of anticipation, representatives for the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton confirmed today that the royal baby has finally made its way into the world.

Martha Sarahns

Martha Sarahns, 78, passed away Saturday night surrounded by her closest friends, family, and this random dude who looked completely lost.

Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box

FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who ...

Detroit Files For Bankruptcy

Detroit became the largest municipality in U.S. history to seek bankruptcy protection yesterday, which will likely force the city to slash government employment, sell assets, and further pare back municipal services.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Personal Finance

Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 16, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world's largest apple pie.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    As it turns out, there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.
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