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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 16, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world's largest apple pie.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    As it turns out, there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.
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