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Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 16, 2013

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 16, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world's largest apple pie.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    As it turns out, there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.

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