Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 17, 2012

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 17, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’ve tried all your life to follow your dreams, probably because you had no idea of the terrible places they’d ultimately be going.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The existence of rogue waves has been confirmed for well over 15 years, but until your sudden drowning next week, they won’t have been known to make it all the way to Kansas City.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It seems your own cat isn’t one of those cats that dials 911 when its owner sets fire to the apartment while trying to figure out how to deep-fry Snickers bars.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After years of development and hundreds of simulations, the French government has announced its ultraminiaturized nuclear device is ready to test on you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it’s a myth that secret millionaires’ clubs hunt human beings for sheer sport, you’ll learn the hard way that some of them do it out of an altruistic sense of duty to society.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You’ll be getting down and dirty, as well as hot and heavy, quite a lot in the near future, but that’s mostly because it’s time to move.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your life will continue in an uneventful and unremarkable fashion for most of the next week, but before it’s out you’ll have had at least one really good sandwich.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You’ll soon meet a dark stranger and join him in taking a night journey across the water, but hey, that’s modern business travel for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You may have been deeply hurt by it dozens of times, and certainly you know others whose experiences haven’t been anything to write home about, but there’s really nothing intrinsically wrong with love.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After decades of being repeatedly hit by buses, you’ll finally sit down and talk with one face-to-face and realize that was just their unique way of expressing their affection all along.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’ve always thought of yourself as a people person; after all, you have to have an interest in people in order to eat so many of them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You really thought that when it finally all came to an end it’d be a little more dramatic than this.
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