Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 17, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 29

The Pretending Hour

NBC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Two people dress up like investigators and pretend to track a made-up murderer with the help of costumes, fake guns, and names different than their birth names

Big Money!

Game Show 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT Host Kirk Newcloud counts and stacks $100,000 cash on a table before an exultant studio audience.

Microsoft Announces First-Ever Quarterly Loss

Software giant Microsoft reported a quarterly loss for the first time since the company went public in 1986, losing $492 million in the most recent quarter due to a major write-down in its online division.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 17, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    You’ve tried all your life to follow your dreams, probably because you had no idea of the terrible places they’d ultimately be going.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The existence of rogue waves has been confirmed for well over 15 years, but until your sudden drowning next week, they won’t have been known to make it all the way to Kansas City.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It seems your own cat isn’t one of those cats that dials 911 when its owner sets fire to the apartment while trying to figure out how to deep-fry Snickers bars.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    After years of development and hundreds of simulations, the French government has announced its ultraminiaturized nuclear device is ready to test on you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    While it’s a myth that secret millionaires’ clubs hunt human beings for sheer sport, you’ll learn the hard way that some of them do it out of an altruistic sense of duty to society.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You’ll be getting down and dirty, as well as hot and heavy, quite a lot in the near future, but that’s mostly because it’s time to move.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your life will continue in an uneventful and unremarkable fashion for most of the next week, but before it’s out you’ll have had at least one really good sandwich.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You’ll soon meet a dark stranger and join him in taking a night journey across the water, but hey, that’s modern business travel for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You may have been deeply hurt by it dozens of times, and certainly you know others whose experiences haven’t been anything to write home about, but there’s really nothing intrinsically wrong with love.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    After decades of being repeatedly hit by buses, you’ll finally sit down and talk with one face-to-face and realize that was just their unique way of expressing their affection all along.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You’ve always thought of yourself as a people person; after all, you have to have an interest in people in order to eat so many of them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You really thought that when it finally all came to an end it’d be a little more dramatic than this.
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