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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 17, 2012

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 17, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’ve tried all your life to follow your dreams, probably because you had no idea of the terrible places they’d ultimately be going.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The existence of rogue waves has been confirmed for well over 15 years, but until your sudden drowning next week, they won’t have been known to make it all the way to Kansas City.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It seems your own cat isn’t one of those cats that dials 911 when its owner sets fire to the apartment while trying to figure out how to deep-fry Snickers bars.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After years of development and hundreds of simulations, the French government has announced its ultraminiaturized nuclear device is ready to test on you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it’s a myth that secret millionaires’ clubs hunt human beings for sheer sport, you’ll learn the hard way that some of them do it out of an altruistic sense of duty to society.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You’ll be getting down and dirty, as well as hot and heavy, quite a lot in the near future, but that’s mostly because it’s time to move.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your life will continue in an uneventful and unremarkable fashion for most of the next week, but before it’s out you’ll have had at least one really good sandwich.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You’ll soon meet a dark stranger and join him in taking a night journey across the water, but hey, that’s modern business travel for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You may have been deeply hurt by it dozens of times, and certainly you know others whose experiences haven’t been anything to write home about, but there’s really nothing intrinsically wrong with love.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After decades of being repeatedly hit by buses, you’ll finally sit down and talk with one face-to-face and realize that was just their unique way of expressing their affection all along.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’ve always thought of yourself as a people person; after all, you have to have an interest in people in order to eat so many of them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You really thought that when it finally all came to an end it’d be a little more dramatic than this.

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