adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 17, 2012

Top Headlines

Entertainment

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 17, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’ve tried all your life to follow your dreams, probably because you had no idea of the terrible places they’d ultimately be going.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The existence of rogue waves has been confirmed for well over 15 years, but until your sudden drowning next week, they won’t have been known to make it all the way to Kansas City.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It seems your own cat isn’t one of those cats that dials 911 when its owner sets fire to the apartment while trying to figure out how to deep-fry Snickers bars.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After years of development and hundreds of simulations, the French government has announced its ultraminiaturized nuclear device is ready to test on you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it’s a myth that secret millionaires’ clubs hunt human beings for sheer sport, you’ll learn the hard way that some of them do it out of an altruistic sense of duty to society.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You’ll be getting down and dirty, as well as hot and heavy, quite a lot in the near future, but that’s mostly because it’s time to move.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your life will continue in an uneventful and unremarkable fashion for most of the next week, but before it’s out you’ll have had at least one really good sandwich.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You’ll soon meet a dark stranger and join him in taking a night journey across the water, but hey, that’s modern business travel for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You may have been deeply hurt by it dozens of times, and certainly you know others whose experiences haven’t been anything to write home about, but there’s really nothing intrinsically wrong with love.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After decades of being repeatedly hit by buses, you’ll finally sit down and talk with one face-to-face and realize that was just their unique way of expressing their affection all along.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’ve always thought of yourself as a people person; after all, you have to have an interest in people in order to eat so many of them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You really thought that when it finally all came to an end it’d be a little more dramatic than this.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close