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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 19, 2011

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 19, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While innovative, your plans for a solar-panel-powered sex machine will fall victim to a wave of scorn and derision.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It may be time to get help for your fear of public speaking now that it's tragically prevented you from yelling "Look out!" to yet another group of innocent bystanders.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Somehow, exclaiming "Someone in this very room is the mur≠derer!" lacks dramatic weight when everyone just saw you beat a guy to death with a tire iron.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's not as if you have an insatiable thirst for blood. You're just insatiably thirsty and blood happens to be what's around.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll meet your own mortality face-to-face this week and be completely disarmed by his boyish smile, nice suit, and career as an environmental lawyer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be frustrated and mortified when it turns out there's no such thing as a professional snipe hunter, but the pay's good and you get to work a four-day week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be faced with the choice of either investing in apartment insurance or getting rid of your cat and her thus far undetected fascination with candles.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The idea that nothing can offend you anymore is shattered when you find out what atrocities George Lucas has in store for the 35th anniversary of Star Wars.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You said you'd retire after one last job, and 40 years after accepting a minor actuarial position with Amalgamated Loan and Trust, you're honoring your word.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Constantly seeking approval is unhealthy, but you should still consider the opinions of those nice folks from the Secret Service.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The verb "tear" is somewhat misleading here, but certain people and circumstances in your life will in fact combine to give you a new asshole.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You thought you were over her, but the memories keep flooding back as the scars heal and your brain tissue repairs itself.

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