Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 19, 2011

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Content From 2011-07-19

'Sports' Wins 11th Consecutive ESPY For 'Best Thing'

LAS VEGAS—As expected, Wednesday night's ESPN awards culminated in a win for the recreational competitive activity 'Sports' in the Best Thing category, soundly beating perennial runners-up Girls, Food and Beverages, and Consumer Electronics for the ...

Minnesota Bars Running Dry

Following a government shutdown in which bars in Minnesota were unable to renew their liquor-purchasing cards, many establishments are running out of alcoholic beverages to serve.

Congress Spotted Leaving Gay Nightclub

WASHINGTON—According to numerous eyewitness reports, all 535 members of Congress were seen late Sunday night stumbling out of Mermaids, a gay nightclub in Washington, D.C.

U.S. Quietly Slips Out Of Afghanistan In Dead Of Night

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—In what officials said was the "only way" to move on from what has become a "sad and unpleasant" situation, all 100,000 U.S. military and intelligence personnel crept out of their barracks in the dead of night Sunday and quietly slipped out of Afghanistan.

Scratch Our Back...

NBC 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT Here's the deal: You watch Scratch Our Back tonight, and we'll hook you up.

Can I Stand Here?

MTV 8:30 p.m. EDT/7:30 p.m. CDT Four contestants cautiously move through a bar filled with couches and wooden chairs, unsure which person will carry home a nasty case of bedbugs. This week, it's the guy who thinks standing is safer.

Little Clay Thing Bought At Arts Festival

EUGENE, OR—A small, somewhat spherical clay thing with various types of decorations on it was purchased Friday at the ninth annual Eugene Arts Festival, sources confirmed. The clay thing, which was covered in some sort of shiny glaze, was selected f...

Hope Solo

American sports fans are falling in love with the goalkeeper of the U.S. women’s national soccer team, at least partially because of her performance against Brazil in the World Cup.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 19, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    While innovative, your plans for a solar-panel-powered sex machine will fall victim to a wave of scorn and derision.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It may be time to get help for your fear of public speaking now that it's tragically prevented you from yelling "Look out!" to yet another group of innocent bystanders.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Somehow, exclaiming "Someone in this very room is the mur≠derer!" lacks dramatic weight when everyone just saw you beat a guy to death with a tire iron.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It's not as if you have an insatiable thirst for blood. You're just insatiably thirsty and blood happens to be what's around.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll meet your own mortality face-to-face this week and be completely disarmed by his boyish smile, nice suit, and career as an environmental lawyer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll be frustrated and mortified when it turns out there's no such thing as a professional snipe hunter, but the pay's good and you get to work a four-day week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll be faced with the choice of either investing in apartment insurance or getting rid of your cat and her thus far undetected fascination with candles.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The idea that nothing can offend you anymore is shattered when you find out what atrocities George Lucas has in store for the 35th anniversary of Star Wars.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You said you'd retire after one last job, and 40 years after accepting a minor actuarial position with Amalgamated Loan and Trust, you're honoring your word.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Constantly seeking approval is unhealthy, but you should still consider the opinions of those nice folks from the Secret Service.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The verb "tear" is somewhat misleading here, but certain people and circumstances in your life will in fact combine to give you a new asshole.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You thought you were over her, but the memories keep flooding back as the scars heal and your brain tissue repairs itself.
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