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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 2, 2013

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 2, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Turns out it's not your relationship with your father that's been eating you up inside, but rather a three-foot long parasite lodged directly below your kidney.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It takes a real man to admit when he's made a mistake. However, now that you're a woman, you can blame the sex-change operation on someone else.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to its high incidence of hijinx, tomfoolery, and puns, you'll finally decide to stop answering doors during knock-knock jokes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that the cute blonde you've been pointing them out to couldn't be more bored if she tried.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll continue to grow as a human being this week, much to the relief of all those geneticists.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Home is where the heart is. Specifically, beneath the floorboards of the common room.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Every day on Earth is like a beautiful gift from God, which is thoughtful and all, but you'd probably prefer something you can actually use.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Juggling three young children isn't easy for any mother, but then, that's why you start with tennis balls and bowling pins first.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Were it officially sanctioned, judged by an impartial panel, and taking place somewhere other than your kitchen late at night, you'd pretty much shatter all existing hot dog eating records.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You said you'd never forget all the little people who helped you along the way, but since becoming rich and famous you haven't thought about those midgets once.

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