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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 2, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Turns out it's not your relationship with your father that's been eating you up inside, but rather a three-foot long parasite lodged directly below your kidney.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It takes a real man to admit when he's made a mistake. However, now that you're a woman, you can blame the sex-change operation on someone else.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to its high incidence of hijinx, tomfoolery, and puns, you'll finally decide to stop answering doors during knock-knock jokes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that the cute blonde you've been pointing them out to couldn't be more bored if she tried.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll continue to grow as a human being this week, much to the relief of all those geneticists.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Home is where the heart is. Specifically, beneath the floorboards of the common room.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Every day on Earth is like a beautiful gift from God, which is thoughtful and all, but you'd probably prefer something you can actually use.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Juggling three young children isn't easy for any mother, but then, that's why you start with tennis balls and bowling pins first.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Were it officially sanctioned, judged by an impartial panel, and taking place somewhere other than your kitchen late at night, you'd pretty much shatter all existing hot dog eating records.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You said you'd never forget all the little people who helped you along the way, but since becoming rich and famous you haven't thought about those midgets once.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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