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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 2, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Turns out it's not your relationship with your father that's been eating you up inside, but rather a three-foot long parasite lodged directly below your kidney.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It takes a real man to admit when he's made a mistake. However, now that you're a woman, you can blame the sex-change operation on someone else.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to its high incidence of hijinx, tomfoolery, and puns, you'll finally decide to stop answering doors during knock-knock jokes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that the cute blonde you've been pointing them out to couldn't be more bored if she tried.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll continue to grow as a human being this week, much to the relief of all those geneticists.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Home is where the heart is. Specifically, beneath the floorboards of the common room.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Every day on Earth is like a beautiful gift from God, which is thoughtful and all, but you'd probably prefer something you can actually use.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Juggling three young children isn't easy for any mother, but then, that's why you start with tennis balls and bowling pins first.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Were it officially sanctioned, judged by an impartial panel, and taking place somewhere other than your kitchen late at night, you'd pretty much shatter all existing hot dog eating records.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You said you'd never forget all the little people who helped you along the way, but since becoming rich and famous you haven't thought about those midgets once.

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