Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 2, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 27

Belichick To Tebow: ‘I’m Your Lord And Savior Now’

BOSTON—Warning that he was a dark and vengeful God, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly pulled aside Tim Tebow at the team’s facilities Thursday and informed the backup quarterback that he was his only Lord and savior now...

New Tandem Mobility Scooter Released

A dying kid in Houston is holding on until the Astros develop a player worth meeting, fossilized evidence reveals the Spazosaurus was the largest doofus ever to roam the earth, and a Facebook friend is apparently under the impression that Ron Paul is stil...

Sibling Bullying Just As Bad As Peer Bullying

A recent study found that kids who were physically or psychologically bullied by siblings suffered comparable or even worse mental health outcomes than if they were bullied by neighbors or classmates.

U.S. Celebrates Independence Day

Americans are enjoying the day off with friends and family in celebration of the 237th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 2, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Turns out it's not your relationship with your father that's been eating you up inside, but rather a three-foot long parasite lodged directly below your kidney.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It takes a real man to admit when he's made a mistake. However, now that you're a woman, you can blame the sex-change operation on someone else.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Due to its high incidence of hijinx, tomfoolery, and puns, you'll finally decide to stop answering doors during knock-knock jokes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that the cute blonde you've been pointing them out to couldn't be more bored if she tried.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll continue to grow as a human being this week, much to the relief of all those geneticists.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Home is where the heart is. Specifically, beneath the floorboards of the common room.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Every day on Earth is like a beautiful gift from God, which is thoughtful and all, but you'd probably prefer something you can actually use.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Juggling three young children isn't easy for any mother, but then, that's why you start with tennis balls and bowling pins first.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Were it officially sanctioned, judged by an impartial panel, and taking place somewhere other than your kitchen late at night, you'd pretty much shatter all existing hot dog eating records.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You said you'd never forget all the little people who helped you along the way, but since becoming rich and famous you haven't thought about those midgets once.
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