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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 2, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Turns out it's not your relationship with your father that's been eating you up inside, but rather a three-foot long parasite lodged directly below your kidney.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It takes a real man to admit when he's made a mistake. However, now that you're a woman, you can blame the sex-change operation on someone else.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to its high incidence of hijinx, tomfoolery, and puns, you'll finally decide to stop answering doors during knock-knock jokes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that the cute blonde you've been pointing them out to couldn't be more bored if she tried.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll continue to grow as a human being this week, much to the relief of all those geneticists.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Home is where the heart is. Specifically, beneath the floorboards of the common room.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Every day on Earth is like a beautiful gift from God, which is thoughtful and all, but you'd probably prefer something you can actually use.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Juggling three young children isn't easy for any mother, but then, that's why you start with tennis balls and bowling pins first.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Were it officially sanctioned, judged by an impartial panel, and taking place somewhere other than your kitchen late at night, you'd pretty much shatter all existing hot dog eating records.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You said you'd never forget all the little people who helped you along the way, but since becoming rich and famous you haven't thought about those midgets once.

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