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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 20, 2010

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 20, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you've been writing about him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll soon popularize a new dance craze, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but they're still quite tired from having all that raucous sex with your wife.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it's the giant mosquito costume.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his naked neighbor.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that's really your plumber's fault.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.

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