adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 22, 2014

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 22, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You try to be an accepting person, but you still don’t see why some people can’t be a nice, normal gender instead of women.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Turns out that while dogs can’t actually smell fear, they’re really good at smelling who likes to carry bacon around in their pockets.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When you think about it, there’s really only one way to quit your job at the refinery in a way they’ll remember for hundreds of years.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All celestial signs point to you suddenly coming into possession of a great deal of twisted aircraft-grade aluminum, charred wiring, and burning jet fuel, but it’s not what you think.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You, your couch, and your TV will be whisked away to a remote island by a wealthy sportsman who has waited all his life to hunt the Least Dangerous Game.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Once again, you’ll be saved from boredom by the fact that matches are often given away for free in establishments that sell alcohol.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It’s not wearing a white dress to your third wedding that people will find odd. It’s the blood of your two previous husbands on the veil and train.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Truth be told, you haven’t been a very good father, but it’s not your fault that the mothers of your children haven’t informed you of their existence.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll receive a recorded message from your future self in which you appear extremely insistent that an unspecified person be thanked for a waffle recipe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A journey of self-improvement ends almost before it starts when you find out there’s a kind of waffle stuffed with cheese and booze.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your coworkers seem to be hinting that they wouldn’t mind if you got rid of that beard, but you’ve been married to her for almost 10 years now.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pluto rising in your sign this week indicates vast trouble ahead, as you really shouldn’t be able to see it with the naked eye like that.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close