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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 22, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You try to be an accepting person, but you still don’t see why some people can’t be a nice, normal gender instead of women.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Turns out that while dogs can’t actually smell fear, they’re really good at smelling who likes to carry bacon around in their pockets.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When you think about it, there’s really only one way to quit your job at the refinery in a way they’ll remember for hundreds of years.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All celestial signs point to you suddenly coming into possession of a great deal of twisted aircraft-grade aluminum, charred wiring, and burning jet fuel, but it’s not what you think.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You, your couch, and your TV will be whisked away to a remote island by a wealthy sportsman who has waited all his life to hunt the Least Dangerous Game.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Once again, you’ll be saved from boredom by the fact that matches are often given away for free in establishments that sell alcohol.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It’s not wearing a white dress to your third wedding that people will find odd. It’s the blood of your two previous husbands on the veil and train.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Truth be told, you haven’t been a very good father, but it’s not your fault that the mothers of your children haven’t informed you of their existence.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll receive a recorded message from your future self in which you appear extremely insistent that an unspecified person be thanked for a waffle recipe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A journey of self-improvement ends almost before it starts when you find out there’s a kind of waffle stuffed with cheese and booze.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your coworkers seem to be hinting that they wouldn’t mind if you got rid of that beard, but you’ve been married to her for almost 10 years now.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pluto rising in your sign this week indicates vast trouble ahead, as you really shouldn’t be able to see it with the naked eye like that.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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