Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 23, 2012

Top Headlines


Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 23, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find it difficult to point out your assailant in court next week, but that's mainly because of what he’ll have done to your hands.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Have the stars told you how wonderful you've looked lately? And how great it would be if you could check in on their cats this weekend?
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always believed women to be your one true weakness, but as it turns out, leaving ground forces exposed to a sudden pincer-style attack is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Banking on its growing popularity, Cancer will launch an all-new astrological spin-off starting this fall. Keep an eye out for Cancer: The College Years in weeks to come!
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    God will shine His divine light on you this week, instantly blinding you with His infinite carelessness.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You knew eating those hamburgers would come back to haunt you, but it’s still a bit of a surprise when all the floating cows show up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true that you can’t outrun your past, it’s really the catching up with your future that you should be worried about.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The natives will treat your sudden appearance with a combination of suspicion and awe, but then, they've never seen anyone purchase 20 cartons of cigarettes at once.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Be sure to watch your temper, as it’s about to do some pretty amazing things in the days to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you'd love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation’s Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Money will soon change your life in ways you couldn't possibly imagine—especially the $5,000 or so you'll owe to local loan sharks.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember, people like you for who you are: an incredibly insecure person willing to do almost anything for acceptance.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close