Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 23, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 30

The Hell You Are Wearing That

Bravo 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Fathers scrutinize their daughters’ clothing choices in a never-ending cycle of negative attention and attention-seeking. Based on the British show.

David Koch

Multibillionaire industrialist and archconservative David Koch gave $7 million to the PBS show Nova.

Ashley Hamilton

Sales executive Ashley Hamilton listened to a voicemail from her mom all the way through.

Disney World Visitors Contract Mystery Illness

Since June, several dozen visitors to Walt Disney World’s Wild Africa Trek in Florida have been sickened by an unknown illness that causes flu-like symptoms, including nausea, fatigue, and diarrhea.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 23, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll find it difficult to point out your assailant in court next week, but that's mainly because of what he’ll have done to your hands.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Have the stars told you how wonderful you've looked lately? And how great it would be if you could check in on their cats this weekend?
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've always believed women to be your one true weakness, but as it turns out, leaving ground forces exposed to a sudden pincer-style attack is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Banking on its growing popularity, Cancer will launch an all-new astrological spin-off starting this fall. Keep an eye out for Cancer: The College Years in weeks to come!
  • Leo

    Leo

    God will shine His divine light on you this week, instantly blinding you with His infinite carelessness.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You knew eating those hamburgers would come back to haunt you, but it’s still a bit of a surprise when all the floating cows show up.
  • Libra

    Libra

    While it's true that you can’t outrun your past, it’s really the catching up with your future that you should be worried about.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The natives will treat your sudden appearance with a combination of suspicion and awe, but then, they've never seen anyone purchase 20 cartons of cigarettes at once.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Be sure to watch your temper, as it’s about to do some pretty amazing things in the days to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While you'd love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation’s Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Money will soon change your life in ways you couldn't possibly imagine—especially the $5,000 or so you'll owe to local loan sharks.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Remember, people like you for who you are: an incredibly insecure person willing to do almost anything for acceptance.
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