Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 23, 2013

Top Headlines


‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 23, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Due to repeated instances of nudity, and loud, often offensive outbursts of profanity, you'll soon be labeled as NSFW.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your scout leader will soon teach you the square knot, the clove hitch, the lark's head, and the bowline, leaving each and every one of your limbs securely tied to their respective bedposts.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It will end with a big musical number, which is unfortunate, as it will also start with a big musical number, and contain a series of rather large musical numbers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Alien visitors from another galaxy will soon present mankind with the secret to peace, but not before you shoot the living hell out of them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If there's one thing you hate about yourself it's you lack of firm decision-making skills. Either that or maybe your hair color.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars predict a night's journey over water this week, so go ahead, and break out those rubber sheets once again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: Being pretty isn't easy. (Keep this in mind if through some improbable turn, you ever become pretty).
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Delight will soon be yours when you celebrate Black History Month and Valentine's Day on the same night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.


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