Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 23, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 30

Tall Women At Higher Risk For Cancer

According to a new study, tall postmenopausal women are more likely to develop cancer than shorter women, with researchers finding that every 4-inch increase in height correlated to a 13 percent higher risk of a variety of cancers.

Lincoln Memorial Vandalized With Green Paint

Police closed the Lincoln Memorial early today after discovering that vandals had splattered green paint along the base of the iconic statue of 16th president Abraham Lincoln, as well as on the monument’s marble floor.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 23, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Due to repeated instances of nudity, and loud, often offensive outbursts of profanity, you'll soon be labeled as NSFW.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your scout leader will soon teach you the square knot, the clove hitch, the lark's head, and the bowline, leaving each and every one of your limbs securely tied to their respective bedposts.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It will end with a big musical number, which is unfortunate, as it will also start with a big musical number, and contain a series of rather large musical numbers.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Alien visitors from another galaxy will soon present mankind with the secret to peace, but not before you shoot the living hell out of them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    If there's one thing you hate about yourself it's you lack of firm decision-making skills. Either that or maybe your hair color.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars predict a night's journey over water this week, so go ahead, and break out those rubber sheets once again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Remember: Being pretty isn't easy. (Keep this in mind if through some improbable turn, you ever become pretty).
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Delight will soon be yours when you celebrate Black History Month and Valentine's Day on the same night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.
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