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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 26, 2011

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 26, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've been looking for true love for so long now that you've forgotten to do anything else, which should give you a clue as to why you didn't enjoy Comic-Con.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You just don't see what place slingshots have in today's modern world, which is yet another reason why you are such a terrible parent.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your irrational fear of sharks will disappear forever this week and be replaced with an extremely educated and informed fear of sharks.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The universe would like to thank you for your participation, hopes you know that you were really great, and wishes you luck in all your future endeavors.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll probably be surprised how quickly you become used to your new life, but then again, since you'll leave most of your frontal lobe back in your old life, maybe you won't be.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your theory that "After this, they won't dare to elect another one of those bastards" sounds hopeful, but it flies in the face of everything we've learned in the past 20 years.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're generous to a fault, that fault being that you've acquired a reputation as the guy who always comes up with the ransom money.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll uncover startling proof that there is in fact nothing more to life than sitting around watching True Blood all day.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The events of your life will continue to uncannily mirror those depicted in the film Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Next week: Hôtel Terminus.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Please try to keep in mind that high summer temperatures do not indicate the end of the world. The magma flowing up from the cracks in the earth, however, bear thinking about.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll continue to brag about how well your career is going, although most people wouldn't call repeatedly visiting every all-you-can-eat buffet in the tri-state area a "career."

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