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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 29, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your fear of change means that spending the next few centuries in a block of ice will be extremely soothing, at least until the New Reformed Xalfraxian Alliance thaws you out.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll never again hear a negative word spoken of you, thanks to your sweet nature and an unfortunate incident with a pair of explosive earbuds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's unclear whether you're going to murder ice cream men or become an ice cream man and murder people, but the stars are pretty certain you're going to be known as the Ice Cream Man Murderer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never asked anybody for anything in your life, which may be why those expectant waiters have been following you around for years.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll become a victim of boredom in the workplace when the technicians figure out a way to make your x-rays a lot more interesting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Although roughly 70 percent of the earth's surface is covered by water, that still doesn't explain why you have to be rescued from drowning all the time.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You don't know why people are so freaked out by your collection of bloody children's underwear. After all, it says Museum of Bloody Children's Underwear right on the hand-painted sign on your house.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This would be a bad week to leave your mansion, seeing as how you've betrayed about half of the people of Wisconsin.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    True love will careen into your life without warning next week, spin you around, take your breath away, dislocate your elbow,shatter your femur, and move on without having noticed you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When all's said and done, it's our experiences that make us who we are. However, that doesn't explain why you're assistant manager of the produce department.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some kinds of pain that never go away, but after all these years you'd think they'd come up with a way to get that lobster to let go of your nose.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will never be able to explain to anyone's satisfaction how all those chickens could just appear out of nowhere.

More from this section

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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