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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 29, 2014

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Entertainment

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 29, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your fear of change means that spending the next few centuries in a block of ice will be extremely soothing, at least until the New Reformed Xalfraxian Alliance thaws you out.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll never again hear a negative word spoken of you, thanks to your sweet nature and an unfortunate incident with a pair of explosive earbuds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's unclear whether you're going to murder ice cream men or become an ice cream man and murder people, but the stars are pretty certain you're going to be known as the Ice Cream Man Murderer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never asked anybody for anything in your life, which may be why those expectant waiters have been following you around for years.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll become a victim of boredom in the workplace when the technicians figure out a way to make your x-rays a lot more interesting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Although roughly 70 percent of the earth's surface is covered by water, that still doesn't explain why you have to be rescued from drowning all the time.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You don't know why people are so freaked out by your collection of bloody children's underwear. After all, it says Museum of Bloody Children's Underwear right on the hand-painted sign on your house.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This would be a bad week to leave your mansion, seeing as how you've betrayed about half of the people of Wisconsin.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    True love will careen into your life without warning next week, spin you around, take your breath away, dislocate your elbow,shatter your femur, and move on without having noticed you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When all's said and done, it's our experiences that make us who we are. However, that doesn't explain why you're assistant manager of the produce department.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some kinds of pain that never go away, but after all these years you'd think they'd come up with a way to get that lobster to let go of your nose.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will never be able to explain to anyone's satisfaction how all those chickens could just appear out of nowhere.

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