Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 30, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 31

Global Warming Making People More Violent

A study published in the journal Science found that extremely hot and dry weather resulted in greater levels of conflict, and posited that for every degree Fahrenheit increase in average temperature, violent crime in the U.S.

Reading Rainbow Trout

PBS 10 a.m. EDT/9 a.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug

WASHINGTON—Despite recent hopes that the lifeless U.S. employment climate may at last be turning a corner, a new report issued Friday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that nationwide job growth remains sluggish, or rather, akin to a slug in i...

Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Texas Running Out Of Execution Drug

A spokesman for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice confirmed that the state, which has the nation’s highest rate of executions, is running low on the lethal injection drug pentobarbital and would exhaust its supply in September.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 30, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A bizarre misunderstanding on your part will result in your going to church every Sunday and speaking sincerely to invisible entities with the belief that it might do you some sort of good.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your insistence that no one can possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Personal growth looms large in your future as you are transformed into a 1,000-foot giant who blots out the sun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    All things considered, it's a good thing you aren't in the prostitution business for the money.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You're getting to the point where you'd kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked in your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll finally find the answer you've been searching for, moments after ruling out A., B., and multiple choice C.
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