Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 31, 2012

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 31, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While being a good friend means telling the truth, you'll soon realize that being a true friend means keeping your mouth shut.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    E.B. White always believed that punctuation should be used sparingly. But then, E.B. White was—let's face it—a "pompous fuck."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you pledge to Cancer at the $50 membership level, not only will you be supporting quality predictions in the future, but you'll also receive this handsome Cancer tote bag.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never really thought of yourself as a cat-person, but the splicing, trans-binding, and DNA re-sequencing will soon change all of that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The rise of Jupiter in your sign can only mean one thing! Let the stars know what it is once you look it up.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When life seems grim, and all hope is but a distant memory, why not try weeping uncontrollably in the shower? After all, it works for your husband.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sure, a spoonful of sugar may make the medicine go down, but if it's suppositories you're struggling with, the spoon isn't going to help.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be forced to undergo surgery to remove the lump from your throat. Though it's becoming a woman and not cancer of the larynx that will send you to the hospital.


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