Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 31, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 31

Spelling Bees

Game Show 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT The popular Japanese game show makes its U.S. debut as contestants compete to spell wordswhile trapped in a chamber full of angry yellow jackets.

Breathtaking Easter Island

The island’s ancient, solemn carved stone faces, known as moai, are regarded by natives as deifications of long-dead ancestors and clan chieftains.

The World's Leakiest Faucets

Discovery 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT There's a Delta kitchen faucet in Cincinnati that’s leaking so bad it’s seriously going drip, drip,drip, drip—that fast.

Sears Extremists Fly Plane Into Willis Tower

The nation’s poorest individuals are at least grateful they aren’t part of the nation’s long-suffering middle class, pictures of a smiling group of people are taken where John Lennon was murdered, and the highlight of an Alzheimer patien...

Unemployment Rate Up

Despite the addition of 163,000 jobs in July, the U.S. unemployment rate rose slightly to 8.3 percent, suggesting the economic recovery remained weak.

Area Man Still Searching For Hookup Subculture On LinkedIn

GLADYS, VA—After weeks of concerted effort aimed at trying to meet sexual partners through the professional networking site, local man Hugh Nesbitt told reporters Friday that he has yet to break in to the underworld of casual hookups surely hidden b...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 31, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    While being a good friend means telling the truth, you'll soon realize that being a true friend means keeping your mouth shut.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    E.B. White always believed that punctuation should be used sparingly. But then, E.B. White was—let's face it—a "pompous fuck."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    If you pledge to Cancer at the $50 membership level, not only will you be supporting quality predictions in the future, but you'll also receive this handsome Cancer tote bag.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You've never really thought of yourself as a cat-person, but the splicing, trans-binding, and DNA re-sequencing will soon change all of that.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The rise of Jupiter in your sign can only mean one thing! Let the stars know what it is once you look it up.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    When life seems grim, and all hope is but a distant memory, why not try weeping uncontrollably in the shower? After all, it works for your husband.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Sure, a spoonful of sugar may make the medicine go down, but if it's suppositories you're struggling with, the spoon isn't going to help.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll be forced to undergo surgery to remove the lump from your throat. Though it's becoming a woman and not cancer of the larynx that will send you to the hospital.
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