Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 3rd, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 27

Giraffes Of The Kalahari

Discovery 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT With the help of photography and narration, viewers will get a little smarter in the giraffe department.

Dana Alvarez and Ryan Coffman

Dana Alvarez and Ryan Coffman tied the knot Saturday night at Beef ‘O’ Brady’s just to get that drunken Unification Church officiate off their goddamn backs.

The Rookie

ABC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT In tonight's season-four finale, everyone agrees that while, yes, Detective Sergeant is in his fourth year and should no longer be considered a rookie on the force, they will continue to consider him a rookie, because the ...

Obama Slips 'Hope' Into Speech For The Fans

A string of poorly received performances forces a sock puppet to return to a foot, a study shows that 85% of Americans don't know all of the dance moves to the national anthem, and Keith Richards' housekeeper has braced herself for finding a dead body eve...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 3rd, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Remember, taking drugs is no way to be cool and have fun. Selling drugs is the way to be cool and have fun.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    There's almost certainly a more efficient way to get through life, but by this point you're pretty used to just following any old conga line that goes by.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Someday you'll find you're no longer capable of working 60 hours a week just to scrape by, which is probably right when you'll finally get a job.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars aren't sure what's worse: that you keep insisting you're the inspiration for the lizard in the insurance commercials, or that it's true and you seem to take such pride in it.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The very heavens themselves shall bestow their benevolence upon you this week, allowing you to take 15 percent off selected entrées at a popular chain of restaurants.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You were pretty sure your long, hellish ordeal was finally over, but it turns out it was renewed for another season and you still can't stop watching it.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will be instrumental in disproving several popular theories next week, including the ideas that laughter is good for the soul and that a little fresh air never hurt anyone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A lot of people will be thinking about nothing but sex and violence all day, but you're the only one doing something about it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The most difficult week of your life is coming up, but take heart: If you can get through that, you'll have something to remember during the next 1,872 uniformly boring weeks of your life.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It's not right to tell someone you could make a better bowl of chili with your asshole. Be the better person and show them how.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see one of those guys who wears fingerless gloves everywhere. Then you'll think, Jesus Christ, at least you're not that guy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars say to hold tight. Your life is about to undergo a dramatic change. Feel free to interpret that as a hopeful statement if you like.
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