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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 3rd, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Remember, taking drugs is no way to be cool and have fun. Selling drugs is the way to be cool and have fun.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There's almost certainly a more efficient way to get through life, but by this point you're pretty used to just following any old conga line that goes by.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Someday you'll find you're no longer capable of working 60 hours a week just to scrape by, which is probably right when you'll finally get a job.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars aren't sure what's worse: that you keep insisting you're the inspiration for the lizard in the insurance commercials, or that it's true and you seem to take such pride in it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The very heavens themselves shall bestow their benevolence upon you this week, allowing you to take 15 percent off selected entrées at a popular chain of restaurants.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You were pretty sure your long, hellish ordeal was finally over, but it turns out it was renewed for another season and you still can't stop watching it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be instrumental in disproving several popular theories next week, including the ideas that laughter is good for the soul and that a little fresh air never hurt anyone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A lot of people will be thinking about nothing but sex and violence all day, but you're the only one doing something about it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The most difficult week of your life is coming up, but take heart: If you can get through that, you'll have something to remember during the next 1,872 uniformly boring weeks of your life.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's not right to tell someone you could make a better bowl of chili with your asshole. Be the better person and show them how.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see one of those guys who wears fingerless gloves everywhere. Then you'll think, Jesus Christ, at least you're not that guy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars say to hold tight. Your life is about to undergo a dramatic change. Feel free to interpret that as a hopeful statement if you like.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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