adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 3rd, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Remember, taking drugs is no way to be cool and have fun. Selling drugs is the way to be cool and have fun.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There's almost certainly a more efficient way to get through life, but by this point you're pretty used to just following any old conga line that goes by.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Someday you'll find you're no longer capable of working 60 hours a week just to scrape by, which is probably right when you'll finally get a job.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars aren't sure what's worse: that you keep insisting you're the inspiration for the lizard in the insurance commercials, or that it's true and you seem to take such pride in it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The very heavens themselves shall bestow their benevolence upon you this week, allowing you to take 15 percent off selected entrées at a popular chain of restaurants.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You were pretty sure your long, hellish ordeal was finally over, but it turns out it was renewed for another season and you still can't stop watching it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be instrumental in disproving several popular theories next week, including the ideas that laughter is good for the soul and that a little fresh air never hurt anyone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A lot of people will be thinking about nothing but sex and violence all day, but you're the only one doing something about it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The most difficult week of your life is coming up, but take heart: If you can get through that, you'll have something to remember during the next 1,872 uniformly boring weeks of your life.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's not right to tell someone you could make a better bowl of chili with your asshole. Be the better person and show them how.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see one of those guys who wears fingerless gloves everywhere. Then you'll think, Jesus Christ, at least you're not that guy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars say to hold tight. Your life is about to undergo a dramatic change. Feel free to interpret that as a hopeful statement if you like.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close