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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 8, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll finally discover what you were born to do when you turn out to be the only person at Gorilla Taco who fits in the combination gorilla/taco suit
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: Once your first male child is dead, the next one in line does not automatically become your firstborn son, so cool it with all the sacrifices
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although the secrets of heaven and earth are denied to you, the secret of pancakes turns out to be the use of sour cream
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say it's never to late to do something meaningful with your life, which is a nice idea, but you actually have about nine days
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Kindly strangers will do you a favor this week by removing your blindfold, taking away the stick, and explaining exactly what is meant by the word "pinata"
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Smile, and the world smiles with you; cry, and you cry alone. But if you're standing over a pile of dismembered infants and there are TV cameras around, you should probably try for the opposite.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally meet the man of your dreams, which sounds like good news until you remember some of your dreams.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's simply not true that most people think you're an anonymous loser. In fact, most people have never heard of you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will soon come into a great deal of money, resulting in your arrest and immediate dismissal from your job as a bank teller
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've seen the evidence and spoken to eyewitnesses, but you still think that Bernese mountain dog puppies are just too cute to be real
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars say that you will have a decent week, but will forget to buy milk on Wednesday and will wear the wrong shoes for the weather Friday. Seriously, there are around 200 billion stars in the Milky Way alone, and some of them can be pretty specific
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've raised three children, started a successful business, and made peace with God, but you'll soon discover that there are some things duct tape just can't do.

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