Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 8, 2014

Top Headlines


‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 8, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll finally discover what you were born to do when you turn out to be the only person at Gorilla Taco who fits in the combination gorilla/taco suit
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: Once your first male child is dead, the next one in line does not automatically become your firstborn son, so cool it with all the sacrifices
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although the secrets of heaven and earth are denied to you, the secret of pancakes turns out to be the use of sour cream
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say it's never to late to do something meaningful with your life, which is a nice idea, but you actually have about nine days
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Kindly strangers will do you a favor this week by removing your blindfold, taking away the stick, and explaining exactly what is meant by the word "pinata"
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Smile, and the world smiles with you; cry, and you cry alone. But if you're standing over a pile of dismembered infants and there are TV cameras around, you should probably try for the opposite.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally meet the man of your dreams, which sounds like good news until you remember some of your dreams.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's simply not true that most people think you're an anonymous loser. In fact, most people have never heard of you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will soon come into a great deal of money, resulting in your arrest and immediate dismissal from your job as a bank teller
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've seen the evidence and spoken to eyewitnesses, but you still think that Bernese mountain dog puppies are just too cute to be real
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars say that you will have a decent week, but will forget to buy milk on Wednesday and will wear the wrong shoes for the weather Friday. Seriously, there are around 200 billion stars in the Milky Way alone, and some of them can be pretty specific
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've raised three children, started a successful business, and made peace with God, but you'll soon discover that there are some things duct tape just can't do.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close