Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 8, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 27

Mick Jagger Blamed For Brazil’s Historic World Cup Defeat

Some Brazilians are blaming Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger for their nation’s humiliating 7-1 loss to Germany in the World Cup semifinals Tuesday, suggesting he regularly jinxes teams he cheers for and that the yellow and green jersey he wor...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 8, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll finally discover what you were born to do when you turn out to be the only person at Gorilla Taco who fits in the combination gorilla/taco suit
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    For the last time: Once your first male child is dead, the next one in line does not automatically become your firstborn son, so cool it with all the sacrifices
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Although the secrets of heaven and earth are denied to you, the secret of pancakes turns out to be the use of sour cream
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    They say it's never to late to do something meaningful with your life, which is a nice idea, but you actually have about nine days
  • Leo

    Leo

    Kindly strangers will do you a favor this week by removing your blindfold, taking away the stick, and explaining exactly what is meant by the word "pinata"
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Smile, and the world smiles with you; cry, and you cry alone. But if you're standing over a pile of dismembered infants and there are TV cameras around, you should probably try for the opposite.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will finally meet the man of your dreams, which sounds like good news until you remember some of your dreams.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It's simply not true that most people think you're an anonymous loser. In fact, most people have never heard of you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will soon come into a great deal of money, resulting in your arrest and immediate dismissal from your job as a bank teller
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You've seen the evidence and spoken to eyewitnesses, but you still think that Bernese mountain dog puppies are just too cute to be real
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The stars say that you will have a decent week, but will forget to buy milk on Wednesday and will wear the wrong shoes for the weather Friday. Seriously, there are around 200 billion stars in the Milky Way alone, and some of them can be pretty specific
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You've raised three children, started a successful business, and made peace with God, but you'll soon discover that there are some things duct tape just can't do.
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