Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 9, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 28

Study: Diet Soda Doesn’t Aid Weight Loss

A recent study by Purdue University has found that, contrary to popular thinking, drinking diet soda doesn’t aid in weight loss, and that its consumption can actually increase the likelihood of obesity and development of precursors to diabetes, card...

The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

Find cool, secluded aisle at Walgreens and generously slather on any of the wide variety of moisturizers available on the shelves Place body in cool, dark hole under 5 to 6 feet of dirt For true pain relief, morphine is really the only way to go, or obvi...

Microsoft Announces Major Company Overhaul

In a bid to compete more fiercely with competitors like Apple, Google, and Amazon, Microsoft on Thursday announced a sweeping reorganization, which officials say will help the company react more quickly to changing technology and speed up development of p...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 9, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    The suit jacket and tie might make you look more professional, but at the end of the day, you're still not wearing any pants.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Try as you might, you'll find yourself completely unable to escape this week's M.C. Escher Museum fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, after losing your family, job, and home, it's probably time you start accepting some from passersby.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    What begins this week as a hilarious balls-copying prank will end minutes later with the discovery of a rather large testicular tumor.
  • Leo

    Leo

    In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    For the third time this week, you'll be forced to open up that same old tupperware container of leftover whupass.
  • Libra

    Libra

    A man is defined by the decisions he makes. Not listening to this piece of trite advice is probably a good start.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Farm animals can often sense an earthquake seconds before it hits, which explains why they're all looking at you with that huge grin on their face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    They say you can't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, but after 3,000 feet, you're beginning to suspect he'd like to have his sneakers back.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    After years of intense searching, you'll finally find yourself this week---naked, alone, and with a six foot gash across your forehead.
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