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Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 9, 2013

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 9, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The suit jacket and tie might make you look more professional, but at the end of the day, you're still not wearing any pants.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try as you might, you'll find yourself completely unable to escape this week's M.C. Escher Museum fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, after losing your family, job, and home, it's probably time you start accepting some from passersby.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    What begins this week as a hilarious balls-copying prank will end minutes later with the discovery of a rather large testicular tumor.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    For the third time this week, you'll be forced to open up that same old tupperware container of leftover whupass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A man is defined by the decisions he makes. Not listening to this piece of trite advice is probably a good start.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Farm animals can often sense an earthquake seconds before it hits, which explains why they're all looking at you with that huge grin on their face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say you can't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, but after 3,000 feet, you're beginning to suspect he'd like to have his sneakers back.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After years of intense searching, you'll finally find yourself this week---naked, alone, and with a six foot gash across your forehead.

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