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Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 9, 2013

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 9, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The suit jacket and tie might make you look more professional, but at the end of the day, you're still not wearing any pants.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try as you might, you'll find yourself completely unable to escape this week's M.C. Escher Museum fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, after losing your family, job, and home, it's probably time you start accepting some from passersby.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    What begins this week as a hilarious balls-copying prank will end minutes later with the discovery of a rather large testicular tumor.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    For the third time this week, you'll be forced to open up that same old tupperware container of leftover whupass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A man is defined by the decisions he makes. Not listening to this piece of trite advice is probably a good start.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Farm animals can often sense an earthquake seconds before it hits, which explains why they're all looking at you with that huge grin on their face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say you can't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, but after 3,000 feet, you're beginning to suspect he'd like to have his sneakers back.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After years of intense searching, you'll finally find yourself this week---naked, alone, and with a six foot gash across your forehead.

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