Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 1, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 22

Carlos Zambrano's Refusal To Leave Game Enters 5th Hour

PITTSBURGH—At press time, Cubs manager Lou Piniella's attempt to remove starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano from tonight's game against the Pittsburgh Pirates had entered its fifth hour, with Zambrano refusing to be replaced by left-handed relief pitch...

Rajon Rondo

The Celtics point guard has been the surprise of the playoffs, eclipsing even his three superstar teammates. Is he any good?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 1, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Millions will be rescued this week when the Red Cross deploys thousands of desperately needed words to the site of an unspeakable tragedy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
  • Leo

    Leo

    More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
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