Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 10, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 23

Study: ‘Cool Kids’ Struggle As Adults

According to a decade-long study that tracked hundreds of teenagers into adulthood, students who were considered “cool kids” in middle school turned out to have more problems as adults, such as substance abuse and criminal behavior.

Facebook Lifts Ban On Breastfeeding Photos

After drawing criticism for prohibiting photos of breastfeeding mothers under its no-nipples policy, Facebook has quietly lifted the ban and started allowing mothers to post breastfeeding photos without risk of removal, though all other pictures of nipple...

God’s Will Only Thing Keeping AC Unit In Window

States offer millions in tax breaks to any person who says ‘high-tech jobs,’ a child is entertained for five minutes by a toy that will take 1 million years to biodegrade, and God’s will is the only thing keeping an AC unit in a window.

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 10, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your romantic life will hit a rough patch this week when your lover, having grown bored of your relationship, trades you to the Saskatchwan Rough Riders.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The Parandrus, an antlered, hairy, cloven-hoofed beast the size of an ox and notable for its ill temper and foul breath, was thought to be mythical until people got a load of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your sudden desire for stability will lead to you retrofitting yourself with StabiliTrak, a rather dated skid-control system that brakes your feet individually to improve control.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll be taken aback by the news that your life story has been changed from a lightweight romantic comedy to a lengthy and detailed police procedural.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The so-called Tenth Crusade will end almost as soon as it begins next week when armies of religious warriors have no trouble whatsoever conquering and subjugating you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Pluto rising in your sign indicates trouble in your romantic life, which is problematic because, well. for astronomical reasons, Pluto's going to be rising in your sign for the next 87 years.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You have evidently failed to learn the lessons of history, as you begin next week by attempting to find the Northwest Passage, unite Britain and Ireland, and get your family to stop exchanging Christmas gifts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Only one major thing will happen to you this week. After that, however, it won't really be possible for anything to ever happen to you again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll begin to suspect that your spouse has taken other sexual partners shortly after they open a conversation with you by saying "I've been thinking about taking other sexual partners."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    This week will teach you that there are certain things that really can't be faked, such as love, respect, and the human arms.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll be bitten by a vampire and become one of the Immortal Sanguinary Children Of The Night just when the whole fad is about to blow over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your future has yet to be determined due to a malevolent online community's massive denial-of-service attack on the relevant zodiacal elements.
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