Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 11, 2013

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 24

More White Americans Dying Than Being Born

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, for the first time in modern history, more white Americans are dying than being born, with whites predicted to fall below 50 percent of the population by 2043.

NSA: Surveillance Thwarted ‘Dozens’ Of Terrorist Acts

The NSA chief claimed that his agency’s phone and internet surveillance programs had stopped “dozens” of acts of terrorism, and the FBI director added that, had the programs been in place at the time, the government could have also preve...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Innovation

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 11, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Sure, they're quite festive-looking, and they certainly help to spread holiday cheer, but maybe it's time you got those antlers checked.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Remember: Don't let any man ever tell you what to do. Or who to do it to. Or what the hell they're even talking about in the first place.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The game of soccer, when played with skill and grace, is like poetry in motion. Which explains all the bored-stiff people just pretending to follow along.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll popularize a new dance craze this week, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    is often known for its stubborn and headstrong nature. Yes, it is. Yes, it fucking is.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You're about to enter a strange upside-down universe, one where white is black, black is white, and people don't need to remind you when to chew.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Doctors will refuse to operate on you this week, not due to any moral dilemmas, or matters of economics, or even health-related fears. They're just vindictive bastards.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Remember: There's no use in kicking and screaming and crying all day long. They're going to change your diaper when they get to it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Everyone would stop telling you to keep your hands to yourself, if they only knew what you did with them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    They say the children are our future. However, what they fail to mention is that it's a post-apocalyptic future, where the blood of small infants will be used to feed our giant man-machine overlords.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More