Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 12, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 24

Dressing Up For Going Out

It's always hard to decide what to wear when you're going out for the evening. Here are some ways to look your best for a night on the town:  

Nation's Dads Treated To Mark Knopfler Meet-And-Greet

CHICAGO—In what many were calling "the best Father's Day present ever," the nation's dads were treated to a Mark Knopfler meet-and-greet Thursday, spending several minutes chatting and posing for photos with the former Dire Straits frontma...

Partygoer Gets Thoughtful

LAFAYETTE, LA—At approximately 11:20 P.M. Friday night, the festive attitude of local partygoer Nathan Daniels, 34, suddenly gave way to a more thoughtful and introspective mood, witnesses reported.

'America's Most Wanted' Canceled

After 23 years on the air, America's Most Wanted—the Fox show that dramatizes real crimes in order to assist in the capture of suspects—will no longer air as a weekly program.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 12, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll inspire thousands to go out and do something with their lives in order not to wind up being as pathetic and useless as you are.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The rescue workers won't need to knock down an entire wall of your house to get you out, but they want to make you feel extra fat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll resolve not to fall for the same old tricks just as your shoelace goes untied, a menacing figure looms up right behind you, and you finally find true love.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Someday you'll look back on all this and laugh, you sick, demented, inhuman monster.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Love means different things to different people, but you'll have a hard time finding someone to whom it means "a profound degree of affection."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It's kind of disappointing, really, but it turns out you and your archenemy actually aren't that much alike at all.
  • Libra

    Libra

    People have a hard enough time believing "timbersports" are a real thing without you trying to achieve notoriety by becoming its all-time most penalized participant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It turns out that sorting is one of God's least favorite things, as you'll learn this week when you decide to kill them all and let Him sort them out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You've decided to pull one last big job and then retire, although it is unclear exactly how this will work for a trombone instructor.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While it's true there's nothing you wouldn't do to make your friends happy, that impulse will soon come into conflict with your willingness to do anything for a decent piece of pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You never thought you'd get tired of the endless parade of deep-fried food that is your life, and sure enough, it hasn't happened yet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Unfortunately, popular entertainment has led you to believe that when you try to deliver a baby while trapped in a malfunctioning elevator, the mother and baby both survive.
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