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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 12, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll inspire thousands to go out and do something with their lives in order not to wind up being as pathetic and useless as you are.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The rescue workers won't need to knock down an entire wall of your house to get you out, but they want to make you feel extra fat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll resolve not to fall for the same old tricks just as your shoelace goes untied, a menacing figure looms up right behind you, and you finally find true love.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Someday you'll look back on all this and laugh, you sick, demented, inhuman monster.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Love means different things to different people, but you'll have a hard time finding someone to whom it means "a profound degree of affection."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's kind of disappointing, really, but it turns out you and your archenemy actually aren't that much alike at all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People have a hard enough time believing "timbersports" are a real thing without you trying to achieve notoriety by becoming its all-time most penalized participant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It turns out that sorting is one of God's least favorite things, as you'll learn this week when you decide to kill them all and let Him sort them out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've decided to pull one last big job and then retire, although it is unclear exactly how this will work for a trombone instructor.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true there's nothing you wouldn't do to make your friends happy, that impulse will soon come into conflict with your willingness to do anything for a decent piece of pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You never thought you'd get tired of the endless parade of deep-fried food that is your life, and sure enough, it hasn't happened yet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Unfortunately, popular entertainment has led you to believe that when you try to deliver a baby while trapped in a malfunctioning elevator, the mother and baby both survive.

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