adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 12, 2011

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 12, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll inspire thousands to go out and do something with their lives in order not to wind up being as pathetic and useless as you are.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The rescue workers won't need to knock down an entire wall of your house to get you out, but they want to make you feel extra fat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll resolve not to fall for the same old tricks just as your shoelace goes untied, a menacing figure looms up right behind you, and you finally find true love.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Someday you'll look back on all this and laugh, you sick, demented, inhuman monster.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Love means different things to different people, but you'll have a hard time finding someone to whom it means "a profound degree of affection."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's kind of disappointing, really, but it turns out you and your archenemy actually aren't that much alike at all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People have a hard enough time believing "timbersports" are a real thing without you trying to achieve notoriety by becoming its all-time most penalized participant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It turns out that sorting is one of God's least favorite things, as you'll learn this week when you decide to kill them all and let Him sort them out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've decided to pull one last big job and then retire, although it is unclear exactly how this will work for a trombone instructor.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true there's nothing you wouldn't do to make your friends happy, that impulse will soon come into conflict with your willingness to do anything for a decent piece of pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You never thought you'd get tired of the endless parade of deep-fried food that is your life, and sure enough, it hasn't happened yet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Unfortunately, popular entertainment has led you to believe that when you try to deliver a baby while trapped in a malfunctioning elevator, the mother and baby both survive.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close