adBlockCheck

Entertainment

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 12, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the ladle of Kathy Clodmeyer, who is frankly sick of you asking for more gravy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If nothing else, next week will certainly be a lesson to you about listening to Dan when he gives you advice about good sources of all-natural fiber.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They'll say it's for your own good, but you really don't see how this much electricity running through your genitals could possibly be beneficial.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Learn to appreciate the little things in life, because the big things will either cost more than you have or take more time than you've got left.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Jealousy will rear its ugly head in your life next week, look around, blink, burst out laughing, and then tell Envy, Lust, and Greed to get a load of how pathetic you are.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your growing belief that there are monsters in the closet wouldn't be a concern if you weren't in command of so many main battle tanks.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's true that animals like you, but that's mostly because you're fat and slow and will be easy to cut from the herd when your time comes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's true they say that all's fair in love and war, but actually, the use of hollow-point ammunition and mustard gas is banned in both.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The doctors will claim you're only coming in for a routine checkup, but as soon as you're through the door, your archenemy's theme music will ring across the operating theater.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You never thought you'd be the type to laugh at the old pie-in-the-face gag, but that was before you found a recipe for ball-bearing-and-glass pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Try and get back to basics this week. Learning to dress yourself, brush your teeth, and eat with utensils would be a good place to start.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing you've ever been through has prepared you for how much you miss Kate. Every other time you've missed people either somewhat more or a little less, so this time is new.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings