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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 12, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the ladle of Kathy Clodmeyer, who is frankly sick of you asking for more gravy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If nothing else, next week will certainly be a lesson to you about listening to Dan when he gives you advice about good sources of all-natural fiber.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They'll say it's for your own good, but you really don't see how this much electricity running through your genitals could possibly be beneficial.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Learn to appreciate the little things in life, because the big things will either cost more than you have or take more time than you've got left.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Jealousy will rear its ugly head in your life next week, look around, blink, burst out laughing, and then tell Envy, Lust, and Greed to get a load of how pathetic you are.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your growing belief that there are monsters in the closet wouldn't be a concern if you weren't in command of so many main battle tanks.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's true that animals like you, but that's mostly because you're fat and slow and will be easy to cut from the herd when your time comes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's true they say that all's fair in love and war, but actually, the use of hollow-point ammunition and mustard gas is banned in both.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The doctors will claim you're only coming in for a routine checkup, but as soon as you're through the door, your archenemy's theme music will ring across the operating theater.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You never thought you'd be the type to laugh at the old pie-in-the-face gag, but that was before you found a recipe for ball-bearing-and-glass pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Try and get back to basics this week. Learning to dress yourself, brush your teeth, and eat with utensils would be a good place to start.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing you've ever been through has prepared you for how much you miss Kate. Every other time you've missed people either somewhat more or a little less, so this time is new.

More from this section

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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