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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 12, 2012

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 12, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the ladle of Kathy Clodmeyer, who is frankly sick of you asking for more gravy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If nothing else, next week will certainly be a lesson to you about listening to Dan when he gives you advice about good sources of all-natural fiber.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They'll say it's for your own good, but you really don't see how this much electricity running through your genitals could possibly be beneficial.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Learn to appreciate the little things in life, because the big things will either cost more than you have or take more time than you've got left.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Jealousy will rear its ugly head in your life next week, look around, blink, burst out laughing, and then tell Envy, Lust, and Greed to get a load of how pathetic you are.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your growing belief that there are monsters in the closet wouldn't be a concern if you weren't in command of so many main battle tanks.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's true that animals like you, but that's mostly because you're fat and slow and will be easy to cut from the herd when your time comes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's true they say that all's fair in love and war, but actually, the use of hollow-point ammunition and mustard gas is banned in both.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The doctors will claim you're only coming in for a routine checkup, but as soon as you're through the door, your archenemy's theme music will ring across the operating theater.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You never thought you'd be the type to laugh at the old pie-in-the-face gag, but that was before you found a recipe for ball-bearing-and-glass pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Try and get back to basics this week. Learning to dress yourself, brush your teeth, and eat with utensils would be a good place to start.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing you've ever been through has prepared you for how much you miss Kate. Every other time you've missed people either somewhat more or a little less, so this time is new.

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