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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 15, 2010

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 15, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone laughed when you said that global warming would destroy the planet, but that's primarily because you had your pants down at the time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don't be alarmed: This is what is known as "food poisoning."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your creativity will skyrocket this week, moments after purchasing a number of colorful and hilariously incongruent wigs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They say it's impossible to survive without daily human contact, but then the Glowing Orb Beings from Muugaave-6 have ways of keeping you alive.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Nobody understand the excruciating pain you're going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and done about it is torture of a whole different kind.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll wake up tomorrow morning to find a baby on your doorstep, just like you have for the last three and a half weeks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The ancient martial art of karate should only be employed for self-defense, or in your case, any time you drink too much and decide to ruin everyone else's night.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. You idiot—what are you doing!? Guard that damn cheese!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Paved roads aren't exactly a new innovation, but you still manage to get excited every time you see someone get run over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.

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