Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 18, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 18, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're not the type of guy who gets all mushy, but that will change this week, when they leave you out in the sun.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You bring out the very best in those around you. This week, those around you will include four firefighters, a team of baffled paramedics, and several circus chimps.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Remember: Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol. Some problems require you to forge ahead into drugs and alcohol.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You still have no idea what makes most women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of certified watchmakers.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars foresee a time of great pain and suffering and loss in the days to come. Or, as they're referring to it as, appointment viewing.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Death will soon take a holiday, leaving you in charge of watering its plants, feeding its two tabby cats, and knocking this Friday on your elderly father's door.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription ambiens that say otherwise.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A deadly game of cat and mouse will play out this week when you spend several hours pawing curiously at your corporate rival.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that there's more with actor James Spader right after this commercial break.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    They say that chivalry is dead, though it's kind of hard to hear it when dragging them by the hair like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    For the millionth time, telling the truth doesn't technically qualify as a speech impediment.
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