adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 18, 2013

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 18, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not the type of guy who gets all mushy, but that will change this week, when they leave you out in the sun.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You bring out the very best in those around you. This week, those around you will include four firefighters, a team of baffled paramedics, and several circus chimps.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol. Some problems require you to forge ahead into drugs and alcohol.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You still have no idea what makes most women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of certified watchmakers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars foresee a time of great pain and suffering and loss in the days to come. Or, as they're referring to it as, appointment viewing.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Death will soon take a holiday, leaving you in charge of watering its plants, feeding its two tabby cats, and knocking this Friday on your elderly father's door.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription ambiens that say otherwise.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A deadly game of cat and mouse will play out this week when you spend several hours pawing curiously at your corporate rival.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that there's more with actor James Spader right after this commercial break.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say that chivalry is dead, though it's kind of hard to hear it when dragging them by the hair like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    For the millionth time, telling the truth doesn't technically qualify as a speech impediment.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close