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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 19, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try not to take next week's failings too personally. The stars are sure that nine times out of 10 you totally would have beaten leukemia.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your generosity will pay off this week when your gift of $100 in cash inspires the recipient to have sex with you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There's almost certainly more to life than lying around watching old episodes of Friends all day, but hey, it's enough.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's just something about you that says "sexual deviant." It's your own voice, and frankly, it is seriously overestimating how interesting you are.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your attempt to lighten the mood by relating a few amusing anecdotes will only result in people getting angrier and angrier as the life raft slowly fills with water.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's true that the girl who lives down the hall is really attracted to you, although you'll reflect that perhaps the word "female" is more accurate after her needle-sharp ovipositor pierces your cornea and the first of thousands of eggs slowly slides in.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your radical theory about a mysterious group of cleaners who appear at night to tidy up your office is strikingly close to the truth, but don't worry: You're in no danger.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Stop worrying so much about what your family thinks about you. After all, if there really is life after death, you can assume they're pretty angry about the fire you started at the reunion.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember, just because you read something in an authoritative-looking book doesn't mean it's true. There is actually no such thing as "Houston, Texas."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your good friends will help remind you of what's really important in life, especially those to whom you owe all that money.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Once again nothing much is going to happen to you, but really, we appreciate that you took the time to check.

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