Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 22, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 25

CC Sabathia Involved In Bench-Clearing Nap 

NEW YORK—The entire Yankees squad poured off the bench, out of the dugout, and onto the field Monday after CC Sabathia reacted to a particularly strenuous inning by plopping down on the bench, stretching out, and taking a nap.

Pirates Sign Guy Who Successfully Jogged Across Street

PITTSBURGH—The Pittsburgh Pirates signed Greensburg, PA resident Clark Goldwater Monday after a team scout witnessed the 36-year-old fan run across a street near PNC Park, hand a set of keys to a friend, and maintain a steady clip on his way back to...

Senior Getting Great Funeral Ideas From Friends

TAMPA, FL—As he nears his 83rd birthday next month, local man Robert Lech told reporters that attending dozens of funerals over the past several years has given him "tons of great ideas" for his own memorial service, and has really opened his eyes to what a funeral can be.

Joe Mauer

The Twins catcher has three batting titles in the past four years, was the 2009 AL MVP, and is up top in 2010 All-Star voting. Is he any good?

Unwritten Rules Of Baseball

Baseball is a sport rich in tradition, and many of its most sacred rules and practices are passed from player to player. Onion Sports lists the most revered of baseball's unwritten rules:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 22, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    While it's true that love has no boundaries, no limits, and no rules, your court-appointed restraining order has all three.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this is always the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll continue to sweat the small stuff this Thursday, thanks to a set of abnormally large exocrine glands.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Remember: Sometimes in life you just have to roll the dice, move your wheelbarrow to St. James Place, and pay the $70 dollars in total rent.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Possessed by satanic forces, your dog will soon order you to murder all those squirrels.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
  • Libra

    Libra

    A cleansing fire will sweep across the land, purifying countless souls, purging all guilt and sin, and defrosting a number of delicious Hungry-Man dinners.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll feel like a kid again this week, thanks to an unexpected visit from your Uncle Joe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    If you can't smile and laugh at work occasionally, then you're clearly doing something wrong, Mr. Surgical Oncologist.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You never thought you'd end up a billionaire, living in a palatial mansion, and jet-setting around the world. So it's no real disappointment, when you don't.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.
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