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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 22, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While it's true that love has no boundaries, no limits, and no rules, your court-appointed restraining order has all three.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this is always the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll continue to sweat the small stuff this Thursday, thanks to a set of abnormally large exocrine glands.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Sometimes in life you just have to roll the dice, move your wheelbarrow to St. James Place, and pay the $70 dollars in total rent.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Possessed by satanic forces, your dog will soon order you to murder all those squirrels.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A cleansing fire will sweep across the land, purifying countless souls, purging all guilt and sin, and defrosting a number of delicious Hungry-Man dinners.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll feel like a kid again this week, thanks to an unexpected visit from your Uncle Joe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you can't smile and laugh at work occasionally, then you're clearly doing something wrong, Mr. Surgical Oncologist.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You never thought you'd end up a billionaire, living in a palatial mansion, and jet-setting around the world. So it's no real disappointment, when you don't.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.

More from this section

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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