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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 22, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While it's true that love has no boundaries, no limits, and no rules, your court-appointed restraining order has all three.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this is always the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll continue to sweat the small stuff this Thursday, thanks to a set of abnormally large exocrine glands.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Sometimes in life you just have to roll the dice, move your wheelbarrow to St. James Place, and pay the $70 dollars in total rent.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Possessed by satanic forces, your dog will soon order you to murder all those squirrels.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A cleansing fire will sweep across the land, purifying countless souls, purging all guilt and sin, and defrosting a number of delicious Hungry-Man dinners.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll feel like a kid again this week, thanks to an unexpected visit from your Uncle Joe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you can't smile and laugh at work occasionally, then you're clearly doing something wrong, Mr. Surgical Oncologist.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You never thought you'd end up a billionaire, living in a palatial mansion, and jet-setting around the world. So it's no real disappointment, when you don't.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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