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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 22, 2010

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 22, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While it's true that love has no boundaries, no limits, and no rules, your court-appointed restraining order has all three.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this is always the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll continue to sweat the small stuff this Thursday, thanks to a set of abnormally large exocrine glands.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Sometimes in life you just have to roll the dice, move your wheelbarrow to St. James Place, and pay the $70 dollars in total rent.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Possessed by satanic forces, your dog will soon order you to murder all those squirrels.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A cleansing fire will sweep across the land, purifying countless souls, purging all guilt and sin, and defrosting a number of delicious Hungry-Man dinners.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll feel like a kid again this week, thanks to an unexpected visit from your Uncle Joe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you can't smile and laugh at work occasionally, then you're clearly doing something wrong, Mr. Surgical Oncologist.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You never thought you'd end up a billionaire, living in a palatial mansion, and jet-setting around the world. So it's no real disappointment, when you don't.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.

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