Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 24, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 25

Oldest Human Poop Discovered In Spain

Archaeologists working at an ancient campsite in Alicante, Spain discovered a pile of poop left by Neanderthals 50,000 years ago, which revealed that they were not strict carnivores as previously believed, but also ate plant matter.

Birthday Wish Wasted On Trying To Bring Dad Back

The U.S. Government sets aside 600,000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute, John Kerry says ‘to defeat them, I must become them,’ while putting on a black face mask, and a birthday wish is wasted on trying to bring dad bac...

Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again

BEAVERTON, OR—Saying that he has to deal with this shit every single night, local 6-year-old Andrew Neel was exasperated to learn Thursday that the bedtime story his mother would be reading him was once again from the fucking Bible, sources confirme...

Study: Women Who Give Birth Later Live Longer

According to a new study from the Boston University School of Medicine, women who naturally conceive and give birth to their last child after age 33 are twice as likely to live to age 95 as those who give birth to their last child before age 30.

Most Popular Fitness Trends

Workout programs such as CrossFit and Tabata have surged in popularity in recent years as Americans look for new and engaging ways to lose weight, get in shape, and build muscle.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 24, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Love is strong in your sign this week. Please be advised that, precession of the equinoxes or not, this is still your sign.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Outside influences will attempt to bedazzle you with strange mathematics and exotic rhetoric about a strange new sign in the sky, preventing you from meeting a dark-haired stranger.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Just as the ancient Babylonians were wise to restrict the telling of the future to a mere dozen signs, you would be wise to start new projects at work this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Vast and mighty cosmic forces stemming from the twelve majestic signs of the Zodiac have conspired to foresee travel in your future.That's right, twelve majestic signs, not thirteen.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You know what's a stupid name for a Zodiac sign? Ohpiuchus. It certainly doesn't sound like a sign that would warn you not to make big financial decisions until the full moon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    This would be a good time to beware of those who would make major changes to your dearly-held belief systems.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Wait, if an existing constellation has that great an effect on one’s destiny, then why didn't anyone make a fuss about Eris, Sedna and Quaoar, the planet-sized objects in the Kuiper belt?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Saturn rising in your sign will subject you to the powerful force of Fate, which everybody knows is stronger by far than electromagnetism, gravity, or the nuclear strong and weak forces.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Just keep repeating: No matter what, you are still a . You are still a . You are still a .
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Faith is the evidence of things not seen, which any well-rounded human being must admit ids better than only trusting good hard provable evidence.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    This is a good week to spend with family, which is the kind of advice stupid old Ohpiuchus would never have given you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Learn to trust your heart. No one ever grew spiritually as a person by doing what the numbers and the science clearly indicate they should do.
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