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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 25, 2013

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 25, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Tuberculosis is certainly not the death sentence it used to be, though that'll be hard to tell just by looking at you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your support system is loving, reassuring, and always there for you, but sooner or later its bound to run out of donuts.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Perhaps your pets could be cuter, but that's no excuse for sewing them inside your favorite stuffed animals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good time to stop giving blood.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's not everyday that money just falls out of the sky, but thanks to the Sears Tower, existential hopelessness, and pockets filled with change, it will today.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Thankfully for you, his are completely bloodshot.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'd really like to know where the people who say, "another day, another dollar" are getting their money from.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The debate over stun guns will take a strange turn when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn't work on you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll take it like a man this week, which pretty much just means you'll be too embarrassed to ask what "it" is.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars can't decide what's more embarrassing, the fact that you still live out of a suitcase, or that you're a professional ventriloquist dummy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always thought you'd make a great father, but private investigators hired by seven of your former girlfriends have different views on the subject.

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