adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 25, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Tuberculosis is certainly not the death sentence it used to be, though that'll be hard to tell just by looking at you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your support system is loving, reassuring, and always there for you, but sooner or later its bound to run out of donuts.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Perhaps your pets could be cuter, but that's no excuse for sewing them inside your favorite stuffed animals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good time to stop giving blood.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's not everyday that money just falls out of the sky, but thanks to the Sears Tower, existential hopelessness, and pockets filled with change, it will today.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Thankfully for you, his are completely bloodshot.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'd really like to know where the people who say, "another day, another dollar" are getting their money from.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The debate over stun guns will take a strange turn when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn't work on you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll take it like a man this week, which pretty much just means you'll be too embarrassed to ask what "it" is.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars can't decide what's more embarrassing, the fact that you still live out of a suitcase, or that you're a professional ventriloquist dummy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always thought you'd make a great father, but private investigators hired by seven of your former girlfriends have different views on the subject.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close