adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 3, 2014

Top Headlines

Entertainment

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 3, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Love has been compared to many, many things, but thanks to your unique outsider's perspective, you'll be the first to spot its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Although it's true that violence never solves anything, it turns out it's just fine for a quick temporary fix in many situations.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The say that it's not how well the bear dances that's impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll come to in a New Orleans brothel between a dead politician's daughter and a duffel bag full of cash, but unfortunately it's all easily explained and is cleared up within minutes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Okay, the stars realize that last week's prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that impressive, but this week's incubus invasion should make up for it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you're going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said item in less than an hour.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon provide proof that a small, dedicated group of people can change the world by accidentally driving a rented moving truck into a petroleum storage facility.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write "heart failure" in the spot marked "Cause of Death."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This will be a good week to renew the bonds of friendship, especially the ones on the nurse you keep chained to the basement water heater.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true that only God can judge you, it also won't take Him more than a couple seconds.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your biggest mistake wasn't assuming there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life better.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close