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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 3, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Love has been compared to many, many things, but thanks to your unique outsider's perspective, you'll be the first to spot its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Although it's true that violence never solves anything, it turns out it's just fine for a quick temporary fix in many situations.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The say that it's not how well the bear dances that's impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll come to in a New Orleans brothel between a dead politician's daughter and a duffel bag full of cash, but unfortunately it's all easily explained and is cleared up within minutes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Okay, the stars realize that last week's prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that impressive, but this week's incubus invasion should make up for it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you're going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said item in less than an hour.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon provide proof that a small, dedicated group of people can change the world by accidentally driving a rented moving truck into a petroleum storage facility.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write "heart failure" in the spot marked "Cause of Death."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This will be a good week to renew the bonds of friendship, especially the ones on the nurse you keep chained to the basement water heater.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true that only God can judge you, it also won't take Him more than a couple seconds.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your biggest mistake wasn't assuming there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life better.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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