Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 3, 2014

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 22

Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa.

Taco Bell Adds ‘Quesarito’ To Official Menu

After testing out a new menu item called the quesarito in Oklahoma City to much success, Taco Bell has decided to add the new creation, a beef burrito tucked inside a cheese quesadilla, to its official menu.

Mom’s Quirky Friend Turns Out To Be Joakim Noah

CHICAGO—Saying the lively but awkward stranger had long been something of a mystery, local teen Eric Hewer told reporters Thursday that he recently learned his mother’s quirky friend is in fact Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comedy

Innovation

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 3, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Love has been compared to many, many things, but thanks to your unique outsider's perspective, you'll be the first to spot its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Although it's true that violence never solves anything, it turns out it's just fine for a quick temporary fix in many situations.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The say that it's not how well the bear dances that's impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll come to in a New Orleans brothel between a dead politician's daughter and a duffel bag full of cash, but unfortunately it's all easily explained and is cleared up within minutes.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Okay, the stars realize that last week's prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that impressive, but this week's incubus invasion should make up for it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you're going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said item in less than an hour.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll soon provide proof that a small, dedicated group of people can change the world by accidentally driving a rented moving truck into a petroleum storage facility.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write "heart failure" in the spot marked "Cause of Death."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    This will be a good week to renew the bonds of friendship, especially the ones on the nurse you keep chained to the basement water heater.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    While it's true that only God can judge you, it also won't take Him more than a couple seconds.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your biggest mistake wasn't assuming there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life better.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More