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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 4, 2013

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 4, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Years of backbreaking work will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted to a giant flame today.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of nine-year-olds to follow.

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