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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 4, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Years of backbreaking work will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted to a giant flame today.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of nine-year-olds to follow.
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