Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 4, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 23

Uncle vs. Uncle

truTV 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT The only show on television that pits real uncles against real uncles in a competition of wit, strength, and general uncleship.

Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One

Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they would have hit the big one, and an Asian guy has a separate group of Asian friends.

U.S. Operating Massive Online Spying Program

The National Security Agency admitted to accessing the databases of many of the largest internet companies including Google, Facebook, Apple, and Skype, allowing the agency to mine the contents of emails, photos, videos, chats, and other online data.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 4, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Years of backbreaking work will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted to a giant flame today.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of nine-year-olds to follow.
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