Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 5, 2011

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 5, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll show the world just how good an infant car seat can be once you cast aside petty concerns like cost and safety.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It's not true that opening the dictionary to "loser" shows your picture, but for some reason they're still using it for "anteater," "caisson," and "dumbass."
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Sadly, it turns out that of all the people you've ever known, the only one who has your best interests at heart is comedian Katt Williams.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    For some reason, all your plans for life boil down to "In the confusion, we get away with both the money and the girl."
  • Leo

    Leo

    We don't get to choose the person we fall in love with, as is obvious from the human pile of garbage you'll be following around with roses and candy this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    They say if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything, which is good enough for people who aren't going to have their legs taken off by a road grader this week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Now that you take a closer look at what's on display, you can tell exactly why the emperor has no clothes. I mean, Jesus Christ.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll be ruled unfit for trial, but they seem to think you're just fine for sentencing and execution.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You said you'd retired, but $45 and a free bag of groceries isn't something a person can just walk away from.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You have to stop worrying about what everyone else says, especially nonsense like "You should dress better," "Nice people don't do that," and "Put down the gun and release the hostages."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You've always thought of yourself as the ultimate cat person, but you'll change your mind this week after meeting the 7 feet of man and whiskers that is Big Meow Johnson.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.
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