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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 5, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll show the world just how good an infant car seat can be once you cast aside petty concerns like cost and safety.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's not true that opening the dictionary to "loser" shows your picture, but for some reason they're still using it for "anteater," "caisson," and "dumbass."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sadly, it turns out that of all the people you've ever known, the only one who has your best interests at heart is comedian Katt Williams.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    For some reason, all your plans for life boil down to "In the confusion, we get away with both the money and the girl."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    We don't get to choose the person we fall in love with, as is obvious from the human pile of garbage you'll be following around with roses and candy this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They say if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything, which is good enough for people who aren't going to have their legs taken off by a road grader this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Now that you take a closer look at what's on display, you can tell exactly why the emperor has no clothes. I mean, Jesus Christ.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be ruled unfit for trial, but they seem to think you're just fine for sentencing and execution.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You said you'd retired, but $45 and a free bag of groceries isn't something a person can just walk away from.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You have to stop worrying about what everyone else says, especially nonsense like "You should dress better," "Nice people don't do that," and "Put down the gun and release the hostages."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've always thought of yourself as the ultimate cat person, but you'll change your mind this week after meeting the 7 feet of man and whiskers that is Big Meow Johnson.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.

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