Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 5, 2012  

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Vol 48 Issue 23

The Northernmost Corner Of Your Room

Let this quiet 14-by-14-foot alcove be your sweet respite from the pile of work on your bed, the unsorted receipts on your desk, and the closet full of clothes that haven't fit you since November!

The Dunham Group

PBS 11:00 a.m. EDT/10:00 a.m. CDT Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham discusses the week's political developments with panelists Peanut, Bubba J, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, and Pat Buchanan.

Governor Too Embarrassed To Say Which State He Leads

WASHINGTON—According to event attendees, after numerous failed attempts to steer the subject away from his occupation, an American governor in town for a fundraiser Thursday at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts finally acknowledged he was t...

Nurse Jackie

Showtime 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT To cover up accidentally killing a patient while high on Percocet, Nurse Jackie gets canceled.

Earthquake Late-Warning System Goes Off In Haiti

Ann Romney says her husband has a deeply principled side no one ever sees in public, physicists discover that our universe is the fictional setting of a cop show called "Hard Case," and an area man leaves a father-daughter dance with a different...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Innovation

Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 5, 2012  

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will receive a mention in an exhaustive New Yorker piece titled "6 Billion To Watch Under 100."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    If someone had told you a week ago that there was something better than sex, you wouldn't have believed it. This week, however, you will discover sex with other people.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your relationship has been exciting, fun, and different, but it may be time to turn this guy in for the reward money.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You could spend hours just watching people, but it's nothing compared to the time and money that certain people have spent watching you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Look at it this way: If you were a better engineer, there wouldn't have been so much exciting car-crash news in the past couple months.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your career may be disappointing, but at least you haven't been stuck being an anthropomorphized arrangement of random stars for the last umpteen-million years.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your thoughtfulness will be much appreciated next Thursday when your friends and family realize you chose a tombstone that's just the right size to support a Weber Smokey Joe grill.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    By the time people realize your evil hoax, you'll be three states away, which might not be far enough to escape the punishment for substituting carob for chocolate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    This would be a good week for you to take control of your life and your destiny, but hey, this is you we're talking about.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You have long held the position that there's nothing funny about testicular cancer, but due to the terrible, cruel, infantile nature of the human sense of humor, you're just plain wrong.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The ghost of Vic Tayback will appear to you in a dream and tell you he's disappointed in you, making you feel inadequate and forcing you to find out who Vic Tayback is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will soon be the envy of all the other people in your office, most of whom spend the day wishing they were dead.
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