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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 5, 2012  

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 5, 2012  

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will receive a mention in an exhaustive New Yorker piece titled "6 Billion To Watch Under 100."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If someone had told you a week ago that there was something better than sex, you wouldn't have believed it. This week, however, you will discover sex with other people.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your relationship has been exciting, fun, and different, but it may be time to turn this guy in for the reward money.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You could spend hours just watching people, but it's nothing compared to the time and money that certain people have spent watching you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Look at it this way: If you were a better engineer, there wouldn't have been so much exciting car-crash news in the past couple months.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your career may be disappointing, but at least you haven't been stuck being an anthropomorphized arrangement of random stars for the last umpteen-million years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your thoughtfulness will be much appreciated next Thursday when your friends and family realize you chose a tombstone that's just the right size to support a Weber Smokey Joe grill.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    By the time people realize your evil hoax, you'll be three states away, which might not be far enough to escape the punishment for substituting carob for chocolate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This would be a good week for you to take control of your life and your destiny, but hey, this is you we're talking about.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You have long held the position that there's nothing funny about testicular cancer, but due to the terrible, cruel, infantile nature of the human sense of humor, you're just plain wrong.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The ghost of Vic Tayback will appear to you in a dream and tell you he's disappointed in you, making you feel inadequate and forcing you to find out who Vic Tayback is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be the envy of all the other people in your office, most of whom spend the day wishing they were dead.

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