adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 5, 2012  

Top Headlines

Entertainment

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 5, 2012  

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will receive a mention in an exhaustive New Yorker piece titled "6 Billion To Watch Under 100."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If someone had told you a week ago that there was something better than sex, you wouldn't have believed it. This week, however, you will discover sex with other people.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your relationship has been exciting, fun, and different, but it may be time to turn this guy in for the reward money.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You could spend hours just watching people, but it's nothing compared to the time and money that certain people have spent watching you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Look at it this way: If you were a better engineer, there wouldn't have been so much exciting car-crash news in the past couple months.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your career may be disappointing, but at least you haven't been stuck being an anthropomorphized arrangement of random stars for the last umpteen-million years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your thoughtfulness will be much appreciated next Thursday when your friends and family realize you chose a tombstone that's just the right size to support a Weber Smokey Joe grill.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    By the time people realize your evil hoax, you'll be three states away, which might not be far enough to escape the punishment for substituting carob for chocolate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This would be a good week for you to take control of your life and your destiny, but hey, this is you we're talking about.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You have long held the position that there's nothing funny about testicular cancer, but due to the terrible, cruel, infantile nature of the human sense of humor, you're just plain wrong.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The ghost of Vic Tayback will appear to you in a dream and tell you he's disappointed in you, making you feel inadequate and forcing you to find out who Vic Tayback is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be the envy of all the other people in your office, most of whom spend the day wishing they were dead.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close