Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will receive a mention in an exhaustive New Yorker piece titled "6 Billion To Watch Under 100."
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
If someone had told you a week ago that there was something better than sex, you wouldn't have believed it. This week, however, you will discover sex with other people.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your relationship has been exciting, fun, and different, but it may be time to turn this guy in for the reward money.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You could spend hours just watching people, but it's nothing compared to the time and money that certain people have spent watching you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Look at it this way: If you were a better engineer, there wouldn't have been so much exciting car-crash news in the past couple months.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your career may be disappointing, but at least you haven't been stuck being an anthropomorphized arrangement of random stars for the last umpteen-million years.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your thoughtfulness will be much appreciated next Thursday when your friends and family realize you chose a tombstone that's just the right size to support a Weber Smokey Joe grill.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
By the time people realize your evil hoax, you'll be three states away, which might not be far enough to escape the punishment for substituting carob for chocolate.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
This would be a good week for you to take control of your life and your destiny, but hey, this is you we're talking about.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You have long held the position that there's nothing funny about testicular cancer, but due to the terrible, cruel, infantile nature of the human sense of humor, you're just plain wrong.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The ghost of Vic Tayback will appear to you in a dream and tell you he's disappointed in you, making you feel inadequate and forcing you to find out who Vic Tayback is.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will soon be the envy of all the other people in your office, most of whom spend the day wishing they were dead.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION