adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 5, 2012  

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will receive a mention in an exhaustive New Yorker piece titled "6 Billion To Watch Under 100."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If someone had told you a week ago that there was something better than sex, you wouldn't have believed it. This week, however, you will discover sex with other people.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your relationship has been exciting, fun, and different, but it may be time to turn this guy in for the reward money.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You could spend hours just watching people, but it's nothing compared to the time and money that certain people have spent watching you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Look at it this way: If you were a better engineer, there wouldn't have been so much exciting car-crash news in the past couple months.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your career may be disappointing, but at least you haven't been stuck being an anthropomorphized arrangement of random stars for the last umpteen-million years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your thoughtfulness will be much appreciated next Thursday when your friends and family realize you chose a tombstone that's just the right size to support a Weber Smokey Joe grill.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    By the time people realize your evil hoax, you'll be three states away, which might not be far enough to escape the punishment for substituting carob for chocolate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This would be a good week for you to take control of your life and your destiny, but hey, this is you we're talking about.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You have long held the position that there's nothing funny about testicular cancer, but due to the terrible, cruel, infantile nature of the human sense of humor, you're just plain wrong.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The ghost of Vic Tayback will appear to you in a dream and tell you he's disappointed in you, making you feel inadequate and forcing you to find out who Vic Tayback is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be the envy of all the other people in your office, most of whom spend the day wishing they were dead.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings