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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 5, 2012  

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will receive a mention in an exhaustive New Yorker piece titled "6 Billion To Watch Under 100."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If someone had told you a week ago that there was something better than sex, you wouldn't have believed it. This week, however, you will discover sex with other people.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your relationship has been exciting, fun, and different, but it may be time to turn this guy in for the reward money.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You could spend hours just watching people, but it's nothing compared to the time and money that certain people have spent watching you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Look at it this way: If you were a better engineer, there wouldn't have been so much exciting car-crash news in the past couple months.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your career may be disappointing, but at least you haven't been stuck being an anthropomorphized arrangement of random stars for the last umpteen-million years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your thoughtfulness will be much appreciated next Thursday when your friends and family realize you chose a tombstone that's just the right size to support a Weber Smokey Joe grill.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    By the time people realize your evil hoax, you'll be three states away, which might not be far enough to escape the punishment for substituting carob for chocolate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This would be a good week for you to take control of your life and your destiny, but hey, this is you we're talking about.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You have long held the position that there's nothing funny about testicular cancer, but due to the terrible, cruel, infantile nature of the human sense of humor, you're just plain wrong.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The ghost of Vic Tayback will appear to you in a dream and tell you he's disappointed in you, making you feel inadequate and forcing you to find out who Vic Tayback is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be the envy of all the other people in your office, most of whom spend the day wishing they were dead.

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